Song of Joy

"I am enough"

   Apr 09

A letter to my fears

By carolannetebay

I was inspired by Fresh Flowers today and thought I would write my own letter.

To my fears,

I know there are days when you get the better of me (like today) but you know what? That’s ok. You can try and knock me down and you might even keep me there for a while. But I won’t stay there. You know why? Because deep down inside I know I am loved and accepted by the God of the universe. And He accepts me even when I give in to my fears. I am not a disappointment to Him.

Though I forget it at times, deep down I know that “I am enough” (thank you, Brene Brown). I am in process. In the process of walking out from under shame (and from that, fear) into the Truth of the Light that says I.am.loved…period…no strings attached…no requirements to live up to. And when I sit in that Truth fear has no grip on me. It can’t. “There is no fear in love…” (1 John 4:18).

So take your best shot, fears. You may win a few battles but you will never win this war.

Posted in Faith, Personal | 1 Comment »

   Mar 29

Random thoughts on Good Friday

By carolannetebay

Today is Good Friday.  This season of Lent is almost over and I realize my ‘project’ didn’t get very far.  But that’s ok, I’ll give myself some grace.  I’ve been doing lots of thinking over this season but not a lot of writing.  Here are some of my random thoughts:

I’ve been thinking about the life Jesus lived through the lens of compassion.  He reached out to the marginalized, those rejected by society.  In turn, they felt ‘safe’ to come to Him.  Just look at all the beggars and lepers and cripples who called out to Him…and He heard their cries.  I really like that about Jesus.  It gives me hope.  There is no one whose life is so broken that Jesus will not enter in and bring love and grace.  I want to be like that.  I want to love and accept people as they are, no matter how broken.  I admit there’s still a lot of work to be done in this area – I still feel uncomfortable passing the panhandlers whenever I walk downtown.  Sometimes I can look them in the eye but other times I pretend I don’t see them.  They must feel like they aren’t even people sometimes and I feel sad about that.  They need love and compassion, too. And I wonder, “What am I afraid of, that I cannot even look them in the eye and acknowledge their presence, their humanity?”

I’ve been thinking about the Truth.  Jesus said, “I am the Truth…”  I’m realizing there are times when doing the right thing is the hard thing.  It’s not easy, handling the truth.  Sometimes it would be much easier to ignore the issue, pretend it isn’t there, continue on with the status quo.  But that would be denying the Truth.  I think of a particular situation in the past year where I chose to speak the truth knowing that I would be rejected and considered the “bad guy” but knowing it was the right thing to do nonetheless.  This didn’t make the situation any easier but I have a peace and resolve knowing I walked in Truth.

A couple of people have asked me over the last week what our family’s traditions are for Easter.  I sheepishly admit that we don’t have any traditions.  In the past I’ve hardly recognized Good Friday and Easter at all.  When I was working at the hotel Good Friday meant a three day relief from the stresses of my job.  I mostly wanted to rest and do as little as possible.  Another house church group in our network had a tradition of celebrating Easter morning at a big rock overlooking the South Saskatchewan River and we would join them for that.  But that’s really the extent of it.  As I’ve been comparing myself to others I’ve wondered if I’m “less of a Christian” because I don’t practice any traditions.  Why do we have traditions anyways?

My focus has been on living out God’s love and grace.  As much as I can, I try to communicate to everyone (my children in particular) that they are loved and accepted, that there is grace for mistakes, that they don’t have to live in shame, that they can learn to accept themselves.  I know for my own life that coming to understand these things unleashes freedom from shame and fear.  I have much more peace and I feel more fulfilled and satisfied.  And I know I couldn’t come to understand these things without experiencing them.  So I aim to live these out so others can experience them and come to greater freedom and healing in their own lives.  Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life,  and may have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

Which leads me to something that’s been bothering me and I’m not exactly sure why. I hesitate to write about it because I know people who are following this – I don’t want to come across as judging them and if I do, I apologize.   Over at holleygerth.com they’re talking a lot about “God-sized dreams”.  She even wrote a book about it: “You’re Made for a God-sized Dream – Opening the Door to all God has for You“.  Why does this idea of a “God-sized dream” rub me the wrong way?  I don’t have anything against people dreaming and living out their dreams.  I’ve done that.  I acted in a Gateway play a couple of years back, I went up in a hot air balloon last Fall, I started my own event planning business and have more flexibility in my life.  I think it’s great.

Perhaps I get the impression that people are declaring what they want God to do for them and demanding in faith that He does it.  Why are they so determined to have their dreams fulfilled?  And maybe that’s where I trip up.  Because dreams aren’t always fulfilled.  Sometimes life doesn’t happen how you want it to.  Maybe I’m jaded and cynical when I hear talk of “naming and claiming”.  Because my husband died when I was 29 and my oldest son has a mixed bag of mental health diagnoses.  I’m not a stay-at-home mom and life has not happened how I had “dreamed” it would.  And yet God is no less loving and full of grace.

Maybe that’s it.  There was a time when I had dreams and my perception of God was based on those dreams being fulfilled.  And when they weren’t it messed up my faith.  I didn’t know who God was because I thought my dreams were His dreams so why would He take those away?  There’s a line from a song, “There is freedom in surrender…” (Singing Over Me, by Kari Jobe).  I know this to be true.  When my husband died, I surrendered my life to God.  I said, “You are God and I place everything in Your hands.”  I let go of all my dreams and trusted God to get me through the shattering of them.  And I believe God has done (and is doing) wonderful, amazing things in response.

The life I now have is much more awesome than I could have ever dreamed up on my own.  Being married the second time around has been better than I imagined marriage could be.  My children are healthy and happy for the most part.  We live in a great old house that’s walking distance to downtown.  Now that I have my own business I am able to spend more time investing in other people, encouraging them, sharing life with them (one of the main reasons I quit my job).  My perspectives have changed on many things and I have a greater understanding of God’s love and grace and the Good News.  I have more peace and less fear and shame.  I couldn’t have dreamed this stuff up!

And maybe that’s my point.  I don’t know all the awesome and wonderful things God desires for me.  And who am I to tell God what they are?  And as if He doesn’t know what they are!?  So I don’t need to strive for and “claim” my God-sized dream.  God is already taking care of that.  I just need to be faithful with what He’s placed in front of me at this time.  The more I grow the more simple it seems to me.  Jesus really was right when He said that loving God and loving your neighbor summed up everything you need to know to live this life.

“But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33)

“Now to him who by the power that is working within us is able to do far beyond all that we ask or think, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” (Ephesians 3:20-21).

Posted in Church, Faith, Family, Personal, Work | No Comments »

   Mar 12

Being seen

By carolannetebay

I’m still unpacking this whole idea of “seeing” one another. There are many thoughts and questions running through my head.

Why don’t we “see” each other? Is it more comfortable not to? Do we feeling it is ‘safer’ to stay in our own little worlds? Do we really want to be “seen” by others?

“Being seen” involves vulnerability and that’s something we don’t do well in our society. Brene Brown has written a great book all about this, “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead“.

I think the heart of the matter comes down to this: deep down we all want to be “seen”. Meaning that someone sees who we really are (‘warts and all’) and despite knowing the ‘truth’ about us they accept and value us just the same. Like I said above, this type of “seeing” necessitates vulnerability. And the problem with that is vulnerability involves the risk of being hurt.

What is our response to that risk?  I know there was a time I would ‘hide’ behind my children to avoid engaging with other adults in a room. I was afraid of experiencing shame if I said something stupid or if someone laughed at me. It was ‘easier’ for me to hide. But I know I missed out on meaningful interactions and relationships as a result.

Brene Brown writes about ‘shame resilience’. It’s not that we never experience shame but the people who inherently believe they are worthy of love and belonging are more ‘resilient’ to it. And as a result, these people embrace vulnerability and generally live more ‘whole-hearted’ lives. They allow themselves to be “seen” and they “see” others.

More thoughts on “seeing” to come…

Posted in Personal | 1 Comment »

   Mar 10

I see you

By carolannetebay

The Zulu greeting, “Sawubona” means “I see you” and the response “Ngikhona” means “I am here”.

Inherent in the Zulu greeting and in the response, is the sense that until you saw me, I didn’t exist. By recognizing me, you brought me into existence.

I watched a TED talk today of Amanda Palmer. She was a street performer who used to dress up as a bride statue. Whenever someone would give some money she would look them very intently and intensely in the eyes and offer them a flower. Amanda spoke about people who seemed deeply lonely. In her words, “And my eyes would say, ‘Thank you. I see you.’ And their eyes would say, ‘Nobody ever sees me. Thank you.’”

I think about an interaction Brene Brown had with a drive-thru cashier. In Brene’s words,

“I drove through the Chick-fil-A drive-through to get a Diet Dr. Pepper. Right as I pulled up to the window, my cell phone rang. I wasn’t quite sure, but I thought it might be Charlie’s school calling, so I answered it. It wasn’t the school — it was someone calling to confirm my hair appointment. I got off the phone as quickly as I could.

In the short time it took me to say, “Yes, I’ll be at my appointment,” the woman in the window and I had finished our soda-for-money transaction. I apologized to her the second I got off of the phone. I said, “I’m so sorry. The phone rang right when I was pulling up and I thought it was my son’s school.”

I must have surprised her because she got huge tears in her eyes and said, “Thank you. Thank you so much. You have no idea how humiliating it is sometimes. They don’t even see us.” ”

As a North American society, we are losing the ability to “see” each other.

Posted in Personal | 3 Comments »

   Mar 09

Empathy

By carolannetebay

My “40 days for Lent” haven’t gone as I had thought. I thought I would be able to post every day but that hasn’t happened. The last two months have been very busy for me – I’ve had my regular part-time job, contract work putting me up to full-time hours, spent a lot of time researching and submitting a proposal for a large contract (which I didn’t get), plus I’ve been on the planning committee for a major fundraising event (the event happened this past Thursday and was a great success). In the midst of all this was the 11th anniversary of my first husband’s death.

I’ve been “emotionally compromised”.

But I’ve continued to think about my theme for this time, “our common humanity”. I’ve been thinking a lot about “empathy” (the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another).

We all need to experience empathy. It’s how we gain connection with one another. It’s how we build friendships and relationships. When we meet someone for the first time, what do we do? Try to find things we have in common. Why? Because then we have a place to empathize, a way to start building a connection. I think at a certain level we all want to know how we are the same because then we know we are not alone.

And being alone is not a pleasant place to be. When I was married the first time my greatest fear was that my husband would die (i.e., that I would be alone). And then the thing I most feared…happened. I underwent a lot of growth as a result of that experience and learned a lot about myself (I’ll save that for another blog post). But my point is that we all have a deep need for connection with each other. We may seek it out in different ways but we all need it.

Empathy is a path to that connection. Over the past few weeks I have experienced empathy from others and also a lack of it. I’ve thought about how I’ve felt in those situations and come to realize more and more the importance of empathy.

My husband is great for showing empathy (and in response to that, compassion). In very real ways he acknowledges the stress I’m going through and communicates he cares about how I feel. He has helped me learn to be compassionate toward myself.

But there are many people who lack in the departments of empathy and compassion. I don’t think most of these people were born that way. Maybe they weren’t shown examples of empathy when they were children. Maybe empathy was perceived as weakness. Maybe they were abused and learned that the world was a dangerous place, that self-protection and striking first were the ways to survive, and that there was no place for empathy is their worldview.

I experienced the results of this empathy deficit twice in the past week. I was sharing with someone (whom I’d like to have a connection) that I had not gotten the contract I had bid on and that I was feeling really disappointed. This person didn’t even acknowledge what I was feeling and moved on to the next topic. In another instance I was sharing with a friend about how difficult it’s been for me the last couple of weeks with work and the fundraiser and Mike’s death. Again, this person did not acknowledge my difficulties, but rather moved onto their own needs.

I came away from those encounters feeling crappy, feeling like I don’t really matter to these people. How can we have personal relationships with each other when empathy is one-sided or completely lacking? Could they even be called ‘relationships’?

And it makes me feel sad. The empathy deficits these people have hinder them from experiencing meaningful relationships and through those relationships to learn empathy and the ability to extend it to others.

I have not been a “poster-child” for empathy. I did not learn empathy from my upbringing. Empathy would involve vulnerability and vulnerability was considered weakness. I was determined not to show weakness and I was insecure. I never learned to truly look beyond myself and “see” others. When my current husband and I were dating there were a couple of months where one thing after another was falling apart for him. He was really stressed but all I could think about was how he wasn’t spending as much time with me. I’m embarrassed to admit this. Looking back on the situation it seems utterly ridiculous that I would be so self-centered.

I’ve come a long way since that time. It’s comforting to know there is hope. I’ve gained more empathy and I wonder how I’ve learned that. There are many factors at play and I’m not even sure of the causes and effects. I know gaining an understanding of grace helped me to have compassion towards myself. I became more secure and accepting of myself. And more accepting of others. Learning to see the beauty in all people has helped a lot in the empathy department. I see myself ‘with’ others rather than ‘separate’ from others.

In many ways we are all the same. When we can see each other from this perspective, empathy can grow. And we all need empathy.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

   Feb 26

Disappointment

By carolannetebay

I don’t feel like writing much today. I came to one of my favorite coffee houses thinking I would come up with something profound or an encouraging word about the beauty of mankind. But instead I read my emails and got some disappointing news. I feel discouraged and frustrated. I am experiencing questioning and doubt.

Disappointment is not a comfortable feeling. But it is a feeling all of us experience at one time or another. And I guess how we respond to the disappointment tells a lot about us.

The word “disappoint” is defined as “to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of”. I put expectations (and hopes) in many things – from the expectation that my car will start in the morning to the expectation that my husband will not die at the age of 29 (and everything else in between).

When those expectations “fail to be fulfilled” how do I respond? My responses have changed over the years. In the wake of disappointment I have experienced sadness, worry, fear, anger, confusion, terror. Those emotions have been excruciatingly intense and have stayed for a long time depending on the disappointment.

But I think I’m starting to gain a resiliency to disappointment. It doesn’t “take me out of action” as often or for as long. I am learning to believe and trust in the love and grace and goodness of God. Knowing that God accepts me and loves me and requires nothing of me to fulfill those two conditions gives me hope and encouragement and strength. He does not abandon me when disappointment comes, when my hopes go unfulfilled. Through my own life experience I know that even the darkest circumstances can be transformed into light. And that means I can have confidence that even though I am currently in the midst of disappointment, things will eventually work out. So I don’t have to worry or fear. I still feel sad but I know it’s not the end.

In the words of Matthew West…”But it’s not the end, The end of the world, It’s just another day, Depending on grace” (“The End” – song by Matthew West).

Posted in Faith, Personal | 1 Comment »

   Feb 24

Ball pit video

By carolannetebay

Someone posted this video on Facebook and I had to share it. It makes me see again…from a new perspective…our common humanity.

Posted in Personal | No Comments »

   Feb 24

Sometimes it doesn’t take much to make someone’s day

By carolannetebay

My daughter had a fantastic kindergarden teacher last year. This teacher is teaching out of town for this year but my daughter and I were able to track down her work email address. So my daughter wrote her an email saying that she missed her and that she was the best teacher she ever had (my daughter dictated, I typed). Well my daughter’s teacher wrote back today – she was excited to hear from her former student and said the note made her day.

I got to thinking about that. It doesn’t necessarily take that much to make someone’s day – paying for a friend’s meal, freely giving a compliment or encouraging word, being a listening ear.

It means looking beyond ourselves and our own problems and busy lives, which is sometimes hard to do. But I find when I do, when I stop and “see” the people around me and take the time to focus on them, not only do I “make someone’s day” but I experience joy knowing I made a person’s day just a little bit brighter.

Posted in Family, Personal | No Comments »

   Feb 20

“Unloved” by Jann Arden

By carolannetebay

There will be no consolation prize this time the bone is broken clean
No baptism, no reprise and no sweet taste of victory
All the stars have fallen from the sky and everything else in between
Satellites have closed their eyes, the moon has gone to sleep

Unloved, unloved
Unloved, unloved

Here I am inside a hotel, choking on a million words I said
Cigarettes have burned a hole and dreams are drunk and penniless
Here I am inside my father’s arms all jagged bone and whiskey dry
Whisper to me sweetly now and tell me I will never die

Unloved, unloved
Unloved, unloved

Here I am an empty hallway, broken window, rainy night
I am nineteen sixty two and I am ready for a fight
People cryin’ hallelujah while the bullet leaves the gun
People fallin’, fallin’, fallin’ and I don’t know where they’re fallin’ from

Are they unloved, unloved?
Unloved, unloved

Hoping that the kindness will lead us past the blindness
And not another living soul will ever have to feel

Unloved, unloved
Unloved, unloved
Unloved, unloved

(from her album, “Living Under June”)

Posted in Personal | No Comments »

   Feb 19

me, too

By carolannetebay

“the two most powerful words where we’re in struggle: ‘me, too’ ” ~ Brene Brown (from “Listening to Shame”)

There’s so much I can say about this and I’m having trouble putting it all into words this evening.  Those words, “me, too” mean so much to me.  It means I am not alone.  It means someone else has faced similar circumstances (and they’ve made it through them).  Or perhaps they’re still in the midst of those circumstances and they’re still standing.  I feel emboldened to continue on.  If someone else has walked before me or is walking beside me then I can walk too.

“Me, too” means someone understands.  That I can pour my heart out without the fear of being judged for my words, my thoughts.  It means a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear.

Empathy is powerful.  It connects us.  It brings us hope and renews our strength.

Posted in Faith, Personal | 2 Comments »
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