Hope

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It’s a new year. And hopefully of new beginnings.

Hope…
Hope…it’s what keeps us going.
Hope…one of the “these three that will remain”.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12)

‘Hope’ is a powerful thing. It provides us with the strength to endure, to persevere, to ‘hang in there’ when everything inside us wanted to just lie down and give up.

But in what do we entrust our hope? In our circumstances, that they will change? I have hoped that my circumstances would change and although some of those circumstances have changed not all of them have. I have been forced to face the reality that I have to accept some of the circumstances handed to me and try to be faithful in the midst of them.

Let’s be honest. There is no way that I always place my hope in God. However that is the only constant. God does not change. So what is it about God that I place my HOPE? I can think of a few things:
- God is LOVE (1 John) – no matter what my circumstances are I believe very fervently that God loves me; the bad things, the hard things, the things that don’t make sense – they are NOT because God is mean or spiteful or vengeful; nothing can change that fact that God is Love and that He loves me
- I am not alone – God is with me; I don’t face my circumstances alone; and when I surrender myself to God, accepting my weakness and brokenness and allow Him to carry me and speak to me through those things it brings grace to the journey
- God is faithful (and He has infinite resources) – although I don’t understand why God does not do or provide certain things when I think that I most desperately need them He has done things in my life and provided in ways I could not have imagined (and often God’s solutions are better than the solutions I had dreamed up for Him to do on my behalf)

And this year I plan to step out of my comfort zone (my perceived security net) and embark on a new journey (that will probably be even better than I imagine). But it involves a certain degree of risk and uncertainty. I know I need to just step out and do it. And I need to hope… hope in the One who holds my life in His hands.

An assistant pig-keeper at heart

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I absolutely love this quote:

“Most of us are called on to perform tasks far beyond what we can do. Our capabilities seldom match our aspirations, and we are often woefully unprepared. To this extent, we are all Assistant Pig-Keepers at heart.”
- by Lloyd Alexander

If you haven’t read the “Chronicles of Prydain” series or “The Black Cauldron” you probably won’t understand the last part of this quote but it has something to do with “the weak things of the world shaming the strong”.

There have been many things that I have encountered in life that I felt “in over my head” but God has always carried me through. Praise God for His grace and mercy and supernatural strength!

Waiting at Ballet

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I’m sitting in the waiting room of my daughter’s ballet class. I’ve been doing this on a largely weekly basis for the past year. My daughter’s class is 45 minutes long and I’ve filled the time mostly by reading.

Last Fall I started reading classic literature. In my time spent in the waiting room I’ve made it through “Robinson Crusoe” and “Flatland”. I just started reading “The Count of Monte Cristo”. I also read a marketing book for event planners.

Recently my husband was hinting that he might delink me from his blog if I didn’t start posting something (yet again). It’s not that I don’t want to blog. It’s finding the space for me to sit long enough to bring some cohesion to the jumble of random thoughts in my head. The thought struck me this morning that I might try to do this in my 45 minutes of ‘waiting’ each week.

I know that journaling is good for me. It helps me sort out my thoughts and emotions. And this in turn brings a certain level of peace within myself. There IS meaning to the madness.

So what am I feeling and thinking this morning? Besides typical frustrations from my job and some difficult circumstances involving my oldest son, I feel largely content. I really love my family – my husband is wonderfully encouraging, my middle son makes me smile, my daughter wears life like a garment – visible for all to see.

I am looking forward to the future. This probably has a significant impact on my current emotional state. I am planning to make some changes involving career and I feel optimistic and excited as I anticipate this transition in the next few months.

I watched a movie this week called “The Way”. It’s a movie about a man who decides to walk “The Way of St. James” which is an 800 km pilgrimage through France and Spain (after his son dies unexpectedly on the first day of he journey). It wasn’t as immediately ‘profound’ as I was expecting. Rather it was profound in more subtle ways. I need to ponder this film for a while and see where it takes me. One of the lines mentioned and highlighted in the film was “You don’t choose a life; you live it.”. This is a strong desire in my heart. I want my life to make a positive impact on the lives it touches.

After watching the film I think I’d like to go on a pilgrimage someday. I think whenever you take yourself out of your normal routine to ‘retreat’ there is an opportunity for God to speak to you in ways He wouldn’t be able to under regular circumstances. One of the things I wish I did more often is to take ‘mini retreats’ – maybe only an hour or two – to be still and meditate and allow God to speak with me.

‘Waiting’ is something I definitely can grow in. It’s very hard for me to ‘be still’. I’m lookin forward to more Saturdays ‘waiting at ballet’.

Self Discovery

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I have described myself in the past as a chameleon – I would be what I perceived people expected me to be. That way I wouldn’t get into trouble. Trying to live up to expectations and being responsible for everything was my way of keeping myself “safe”.

It wasn’t until I was dating my current husband (and through a number of circumstances that landed me on stress leave and seeing a counsellor) that this way of functioning was really challenged. He (and my counsellor) would ask me “WHO are you?”. And I couldn’t really answer them. What was my opinion on things (not what I thought people wanted to hear)? What did I really want (not what I thought other people wanted)?

Since that time I have been on a journey of discovering who I am. I thank God for my husband because he always pushes me to answer those important questions. It’s far too easy for me to go into “people pleasing” mode particularly with the people I most care about.

It’s a running joke in our family that “everything is mom’s job by default” (I can act that way even though no one in our family actually believes it).

This journey of self discovery is far from over but the progress I have made so far has been very liberating. The more I get to know “me” the more I like who I am. And the healthier my relationships with the people I care about.

Serenity Prayer

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I’ve been pondering this prayer lately.

“Serenity Prayer”

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

“Blessings” by Laura Story

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I heard this song for the first time this weekend. It reminded me of a time when I found God’s strength in the midst of the storm.

Here’s the link to the YouTube video:

\”Blessings\” by Laura Story

“We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise”

Thank you, God, for your blessings in the midst of the storm.

Thankful notes…

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I missed blogging last weekend – too busy and worn out.  I’m thankful for a number of things today.

  • My husband – he is awesome! And caring! And self-sacrificing!  At work last week we were 2 bodies down and it was really really busy. I had to go into work early and stay late for a couple of days and my husband took care of everything at home.  I really appreciate him and couldn’t do this without him
  • My ‘new’ body – since October, I’ve embarked on working out consistently and watching (and limiting) what I eat.  As a result (over the 6 months) I have lost 30 pounds and as of this week, I can fit into all my old clothes (clothes I could wear before getting married and having my daughter).  It feels SO good to fit into ‘slim’ clothes again.  And I feel like I’ve never been in this good of shape before.  I’m very thankful that I had the discipline to stick to the plan.  The end results were definitely worth it!
  • Spring – I know there isn’t any evidence that it’s here yet, but it’s coming.  And in spring you can hear the birds singing, the air is fresh and warm.  The remnants of winter (and all the dirt and grime) disappear, the grass begins to grow, and leaves erupt from trees.  I love it! (especially the smell of wet earth after the first spring rain)
  • the love and life of my daughter – I was with my daughter in the mall yesterday.  We were in a shoe store and while I was trying on different kinds of shoes, she found 2 other children in the store.  She sat down beside them and started talking to them.  When the children were leaving with their parents, Lynae ran out of the store to follow them.  I chased after her to stop her, not knowing what she was trying to do.  When I stopped her, she was sad because she wanted to give them a hug goodbye.  Lynae loves people and she loves them freely and generously.  It is such a beautiful quality.  She brings smiles to people’s faces wherever she goes.

Information Technology, what a wonderful thing!

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“Information Technology: the technology involving the development, maintenance, and use of computer systems, software, and networks for the processing and distribution of data”

We tend to be a tech-savvy family. My husband’s line of work is I.T.. He’s always researching the latest and greatest in information technologies and gadgets. Because of this, I have been exposed to things I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. I love (and am very thankful for) a number of these. Here’s a bit of a list:

  • Netflix: provides on-demand video streaming over the internet. We have a computer hooked up to our TV and we can watch movies and TV shows for a small monthly fee (we’re watching “Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie” as I type). The selection isn’t huge, but it’s enough to keep us entertained. We’ve cancelled any cable or satellite TV services and just use the internet to watch video (beside Netflix, we use iTunes and YouTube)
  • Controlling our TV/computer from my laptop: here I am sitting on the couch, watching a movie, and I have the technology to control the computer hooked up to the TV remotely through my laptop (the software is called TightVNC); I can surf the net, download & watch movies, etc. As an added bonus, I can control our Blu-Ray player from my iPod (cool, eh?)
  • iPod Touch: my husband used to ask me if I wanted a pocket PC or iPod Touch. He thought I would enjoy them as they are good organizational tools and I love to be organized. I balked at this and didn’t think I ‘needed’ anything like that. I had got along without them up until now so why would I need them. But a little over a year ago my husband bought me an iPod Touch and I was instantly hooked! This gadget is awesome! Not only does it make me even more organized (calendar, grocery list, contact list), but it keeps all my social media information in one spot (RSS reader to follow blogs, email, facebook), news (Globe & Mail, CBC News, Discovery News, TED, StarPhoenix), information tools (Yellow Pages, IMDB, Flixster to know what movies are playing, Dictionary, Conversion tool), etc. I even have a couple of apps where I can search recipes (that has come in very handy at times). I have games to keep me and my daughter entertained; I can listen to music; watch Netflix and YouTube; I can surf the internet; I can read books (I have an app where I can download over 23,000 classic literature). I always carry my iPod with me wherever I go and if I forget to bring it along I feel ‘naked’. It is absolutely awesome having all this information at my fingertips.
  • the internet: never in the history of mankind has information been so easily accessible. Need to know operating hours of your favorite mall – look it up; need to do some shopping – shop online (the options are endless); want to know the actor in the last movie you watched; get information on the earthquake in Japan; look up the life of King George the 6th. On top of all that with social networking (Twitter, Facebook) the course of history is changing (a great example is the 2011 protests in Egypt)

The list could go on, but needless to say my life would be very different without information technologies. And I am very thankful for them.

Light that floods my soul

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I am thankful for light.

I looked up the definition of “light”.  One website had 15 different definitions for the noun alone.  Another site had 23.  Wow…’light’ encompasses a lot of things.  Here’s just some of the definitions for “light”:

- something that makes vision possible

- a : spiritual illumination b : inner light c : enlightenment d : truth

- the illumination from the sun

- the state of being visible, exposed to view, or revealed to public notice or knowledge; limelight <Stardom has placed her in the light>

I love the sun. I’m thankful that we have LOTS of windows in our house.  I love the sensation of taking a nap with the sunlight cascading over me; it’s a warm, comforting feeling.

I love the products of the sun’s light – green growing things – leaves, flowers, grass, etc.

I love the heat produced by the sun (I hate being cold so summer is a welcome thing!).

Without light we would not be able to see the multitude of colours in God’s creation.

In addition to all these things, I am thankful for the concept of Light.  The Bible (and John in particular) uses the imagery of ‘light’ to help us understand the nature and character of God better.  I did a quick search of “light” in the New Testament (NRSV) and 76 verses popped up.

Joh 1:9  The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world.

Joh 3:19  And this is the judgment, that the light has come into the world, and people loved darkness rather than light because their deeds were evil. Joh 3:20  For all who do evil hate the light and do not come to the light, so that their deeds may not be exposed. Joh 3:21  But those who do what is true come to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that their deeds have been done in God.”

1Co 4:5  Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive commendation from God.

There’s a pastor (Rob Bell) that’s stirring up a lot of controversy as he questions the traditional concept of hell in his new book Love Wins (A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived. Rob Bell addresses one of the most controversial issues of faith—the afterlife—arguing, would a loving God send people to eternal torment forever…? With searing insight, Bell puts hell on trial, and his message is decidedly hopeful—eternal life doesn’t start when we die; it starts right now. And ultimately, Love Wins.)

I find it very interesting that the Eastern Orthodox Church holds a very different view of hell than our traditional Protestant view.  From the Wiki Gnomes:

The Eastern Orthodox church teaches that Heaven and Hell are being in God’s presence which is being with God and seeing God, and that there no such place as where God is not, nor is Hell taught in the East as separation from God. One expression of the Eastern teaching is that hell and heaven are being in God’s presence, as this presence is punishment and paradise depending on the person’s spiritial state in that presences. For one who hates God, to be in the presence of God eternally would be the gravest suffering.

When I read verses about “light” and especially John 3:19-21 (listed above) the Eastern Orthodox idea of hell makes a lot more sense to me.  And if I had not studied that particular passage a view years ago I might have thought of Rob Bell as a heretic as some other people are thinking.

If I think about God’s judgement as a natural consequence of choosing the darkness instead of the Light it seems to fall more in line with God’s character.  We consider people who torture others in this world as being evil, as committing unspeakable acts.  If God is Light and there is no darkness in him, how much “darker” can you get than deliberately torturing someone forever in fiery Hell?  It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Thinking about this life, the afterlife, the character of people, and the character of God makes more sense to me when framing it from the concept of ‘light’ and ‘dark’.  I am thankful the Bible has so much listed along those lines.

And lastly, I am thankful for God’s light of illumination, where He reveals more of Himself to me and I can grow in my relationship with Him.

Thanks…today?

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As promised I’ve been trying to write one post a week about something in which I am thankful.  Today is a tuffy.  Last night was particularly rough with my oldest son and it didn’t leave me feeling very good (or thankful).  Today was busy with various activities and I haven’t had a chance to sit down and think about thankfulness…until right now.

I could list a number of quick easy things that I am thankful for: heat, sight, colors, cameras, friends, a wonderful loving husband, etc.  But my goal was for a little more depth in my blog posts.

Yesterday was the 9 year anniversary of my first husband, Mike Fisher’s, death.  A lot has changed in 9 years.  I have changed a lot in 9 years; the kids have changed a lot in 9 years.  I miss Mike.  I’d like him to see what kind of person I’ve become.  I think he would have a lot of fun with Matthew (his youngest son) and I think Matthew would really like his dad.  I’m not sure how he would react to David (his oldest son).  He might be saddened by how difficult life has been for David.  But then again he might have some words of insight, acceptance, love (coming from the other side of the grave) to offer for David.  I’m sure he would tell him that he loves him very much.

The last 9 years have been an amazing journey and I am a better person for it.  I have a deeper faith in God.  I’ve learned so much more about grace and bit by bit I am giving myself permission to accept God’s grace (versus my own perfectionism).

So…yep… that’s what I’m thankful for today: the journey.  I used to squirm whenever I heard talk about the importance of “the journey” more than the destination.  I just wanted to get where I needed to get to…NOW!  I didn’t want to have to suffer through “the journey”.  The journey was not always pleasant and I wanted to skip past the unpleasantness and arrive.  But now I see that it is in “the journey” that growth, maturity, transformation happens.  It is by walking those valleys of unpleasantness that my relationship with God deepens.  My faith is strengthened and I am tossed less and less by the wind and the waves of my circumstances.

My journey has not been easy but the rewards have outweighed the adversity.  And so I am thankful.  Thankful that God saw fit to take me on this journey so I could experience His love and grace in amazing ways.