“Remind Me Who I Am” by Jason Gray

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don’t wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places,
When I can’t remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I’m running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can’t receive Your love,
Afraid I’ll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I’m Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You, whoa.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You.
That I belong to You.
To You.

I’m the one you love,
I’m the one you love,
That will be enough,
I’m the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You, oh.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

As an introvert by nature I am perfectly happy to sit by myself and work on a project or do whatever. I completed the first draft of my business plan today (more on that topic later). And I re-watched a couple of great TED talks on vulnerability and shame. I did some journaling as well.

Overall it was a pleasant, slow-paced, relaxing day – just what I needed. The only problem is I have to go back to work tomorrow and after such a pleasant day I don’t want to go. I’d much rather hang out with myself for another week or two.

In spite of the difficult things I’ve had to deal with this week I have much to enjoy, appreciate, be thankful for. I have a couple of blogging friends who have (and still are) creating a list of all the things they are thankful for. Considering my week it would be a good exercise to focus on the “awesome” things in my life.

So here goes…

- my daughter and the ‘life’ she brings to our home. We picked up a bike for her yesterday – she was vibrating, she was so excited. She loves to learn new things and is so excited when she accomplishes what she set out to do.

- Saskatchewan sunsets. Growing up on a farm on the prairies meant I got to see lots of beautiful, breathtaking sunsets. It seemed that God was painting and the open expanse of sky was His canvas. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of a beautiful sunset (even though I’m living in a city now) and I never tire of seeing them. Yesterday was one of those days.

- my super supportive husband. He listens so patiently when I need to ‘unload’ about my day. He encourages me and believes in me. He is my partner. Very rarely do I experience any kind of stress in our relationship. I know not everyone has a husband like him and my life would be much much more stressful and difficult if I hadn’t married him or if I had married someone else. I am so thankful for him.

- abundance. In terms of resources we have an abundance right now. This definitely helps to minimize stress. My husband is doing well in His career choice and I believe God has had a hand in influencing where I am in terms of a career. I’m doing well considering I don’t have a university degree.

There are many more things I am thankful for (but my daughter’s ballet class is almost over and I need to sign off).

But it has not been easy. I have had opportunities come my way that I felt I should not pursue. There have been other opportunities that have passed me by. I have felt frustration, confusion, anticipation, disappointment.

I’m beginning to feel like the Psalmist in Psalm 13: “How long, oh Lord?” I want the change but I must wait.

This is getting really hard.

(I apologize for the “cryptic” nature of this post – I generally feel irritated when bloggers post really ambiguous posts but I wanted an outlet to vent my frustration – I’m sorry I can’t provide more details)

Michael Richard Fisher (September 16, 1972 - February 26, 2002)

10 years ago today my husband passed away. 10 years ago today my world shattered.

A wave of sadness washes over me as I recognize this day. I am forced to look it in the face. I don’t want to re-enact the past. I don’t want to remember the suffocating sorrow. I don’t want to feel the fear, the panic. I don’t want to think back on how reality became surreal as my mind could not process what had happened. It was so terrible.

I pause…and breathe. Emotions flood my soul and I acknowledge them one by one.

The world has forgotten that day…so long ago. Life moves on. I accept that. Actually I bury myself in that. I don’t want to remember…for sadness is its comrade. And there is already enough sadness in this world.

The memories are there. It is not necessarily difficult to remember. I just tend to ignore the memories and carry on with “life”. There’s less sadness that way. I want a new perspective. I want to be able to remember without the blanket of sadness that accompanies it. After all, I know with absolute certainty that Mike is in heaven with God. I know there is great joy and peace there. I know I will see him one day.

But I miss him here on earth. I miss his laugh and his hugs. I miss his sense of humour. I miss the fact that David and Matthew, our sons, can’t know him. But it is such a huge blessing that Leighton, their stepfather, can tell them stories of their father. I’m sad that Lynae couldn’t know him (although if he was still here, Lynae wouldn’t even exist). I think Lynae would really like Mike and he would really like her – they both have a mischievous side to them. I miss the dreams we were never able to fulfill together, like owning our own home and travelling – we loved to travel together.

Despite these things I am incredibly happy now. And maybe that’s where there’s a disconnect. How can I feel sadness for missing Mike when I feel happy and satisfied with my life now…without him? I don’t feel guilt. But it doesn’t process very well in my mind. Perhaps that’s why I ignore the memories and focus on the present.

I believe Mike is very happy for me and the boys. He was always proud of my successes. He would be glad that we have a loving home. He would be happy that Leighton is my husband and David and Matthew’s stepfather (after all he was Mike’s best friend in high school).

And where have I come in the last ten years? I am a different person from what I was back then. Older, wiser, more “grounded”. It is our circumstances, the people in our lives, and the choices we make that shape us.

I have known the peace of God that transcends understanding in the midst of intense trauma.

I have come to understand the grace of God and with that comes an incredible confidence. If God’s grace is ever present and undiminished in the face of my sin then fear has no hold on me. What do I have to be afraid of if grace is always there?

I have less fear when relating to my children and more freedom to love them…as..they..are.

I know that clinging to God is the only way to keep your sanity as your world falls apart. I may not understand the “why” of my circumstances but I know God’s love will never fail me.

One other thing I know: if surrendered to God, He will always bring “life” out of death. I have so much 10 years later – in all facets of my life (physical, emotional, spiritual). God has greatly blessed me. I don’t know why Mike died but I know that God didn’t intend for that moment to end in despair. There is hope and I look forward to seeing Mike and swapping stories with him in eternity.

Things like:
- doing a good job at my workplace
- taking care of my family or should I say “my household”? (ie: cleaning up, doing laundry, making meals/lunches, getting the kids ready for school, getting groceries, etc.)

Between my workplace (which eats up over 45 hours a week) and all the things I feel “responsible for” in my household, I don’t perceive myself to having a lot of extra time after that. I do have extra time, but I’ll spend it going on the internet – reading blogs/emails/news, or spending a little time to myself on the weekend – reading in the tub.

Are these the things I really “love” to do? Some of them – like reading in the tub. But there are a lot of things I love to do that I just don’t do because I feel that would be “irresponsible” – it would take away from my perceived “responsibilities”.

(let me interject here with a disclaimer – my husband does his fair share of the “house-work”; what I’m talking about it completely self-inflicted. My husband does not expect me to take on all these perceived responsibilities and he graciously tries to affirm me to actually do the things I love – what a wonderful man!)

So what are the things I love to do?
- Taking pictures – I recently purchased a DSLR camera, got a beginner’s book on photography and even took a beginner’s photography workshop – however, I haven’t really spend a lot of time “taking pictures”
- Playing piano – this one is a little tricky because if my daughter is awake and I start to play the piano, she suddenly wants to play, too. That being said, I haven’t been very deliberate about taking time to play just for the fun of it
- Reading a good (ie: fiction) book – I’m not necessarily doing this myself but I am reading some of my favourite childhood books to my son and having a great time at it. The really fun part is getting to the end of a chapter with a “cliff-hanger” ending – my son is writhing in agony to know what happens next and I won’t tell him even though I know exactly what happens next. It’s like reliving the experience of reading the book for the first time again.
- Acting – a couple of years ago I had the opportunity to act in a Gateway play in Saskatoon. I absolutely loved it! I had acted throughout school and college (when I was in high school there was a time I wanted to be a professional actress). I’m glad I was able to act in the Gateway play and my family really encouraged me to do it. I haven’t auditioned for anything else since then. Maybe I should to some more auditioning…
- Coloring – this may seem silly but I really enjoy coloring. My daughter loves to draw and color but I don’t do much coloring with her.
- Dancing – I love dance. I never had an opportunity to take dance classes when I was growing up. I entered my daughter into ballet classes last year and this year I signed myself up for an Adult Ballet class and I’m enjoying it.

I saw a couple of friends I grew up with play in their band this weekend – it looks like they loved playing together. I’ve been thinking about that. It’s important to do the things you love to do. “There is a time to work and a time to play”.

Thanks to the encouragement of my husband I am starting to do some of the things I love to do. I just need to get past the burden of “perceived responsibility” in order to enjoy this life God has given me even more.

If I were to think about the messages about success in our society I think of the following things:
- Size and age of your house
- What kind of car you drive
- How often you take vacations to sunny destinations
- Holding a high-ranking position in a company
- The kind of clothes you wear
- Your annual income

Are these true measures of success? SHOULD these be the measures of success? What is really important in this life?

I think about things such as:
- Investing in people
- Loving others (the great and the small)
- Doing the things you love

I went to a concert at The Bassment this past weekend. A couple of people I grew up with are in the band and this was the first time I had heard them play. I had a great time. From what I could see it looks like these people genuinely love doing what they do and playing with each other. This made the experience all the more enjoyable. The band is local and even though they were nominated for a Western Canadian Music Award they’re not on the tour circuit; they mostly play in Saskatoon.

I think of another person I grew up with. He had always wanted to play in a famous rock band. He has spent years trying to become well known in the recording industry. I recently found him on facebook. Although he is on the road to attaining his dream – he has played at the international level and is schmoozing with the rich & famous – I wonder “at what cost”? I get the impression that he is devoting all his energy to being with the “right” people, the people that will further his goal, whether these people have any morals or not. I wonder how much of who he is he has had to sacrifice in order to attain “success”?

Although my facebook friend would be considered more “successful” by society’s standards, I think the people in the other band have maintained more of their personal integrity and I find greater value in that.

Hope…
Hope…it’s what keeps us going.
Hope…one of the “these three that will remain”.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12)

‘Hope’ is a powerful thing. It provides us with the strength to endure, to persevere, to ‘hang in there’ when everything inside us wanted to just lie down and give up.

But in what do we entrust our hope? In our circumstances, that they will change? I have hoped that my circumstances would change and although some of those circumstances have changed not all of them have. I have been forced to face the reality that I have to accept some of the circumstances handed to me and try to be faithful in the midst of them.

Let’s be honest. There is no way that I always place my hope in God. However that is the only constant. God does not change. So what is it about God that I place my HOPE? I can think of a few things:
- God is LOVE (1 John) – no matter what my circumstances are I believe very fervently that God loves me; the bad things, the hard things, the things that don’t make sense – they are NOT because God is mean or spiteful or vengeful; nothing can change that fact that God is Love and that He loves me
- I am not alone – God is with me; I don’t face my circumstances alone; and when I surrender myself to God, accepting my weakness and brokenness and allow Him to carry me and speak to me through those things it brings grace to the journey
- God is faithful (and He has infinite resources) – although I don’t understand why God does not do or provide certain things when I think that I most desperately need them He has done things in my life and provided in ways I could not have imagined (and often God’s solutions are better than the solutions I had dreamed up for Him to do on my behalf)

And this year I plan to step out of my comfort zone (my perceived security net) and embark on a new journey (that will probably be even better than I imagine). But it involves a certain degree of risk and uncertainty. I know I need to just step out and do it. And I need to hope… hope in the One who holds my life in His hands.

“Most of us are called on to perform tasks far beyond what we can do. Our capabilities seldom match our aspirations, and we are often woefully unprepared. To this extent, we are all Assistant Pig-Keepers at heart.”
- by Lloyd Alexander

If you haven’t read the “Chronicles of Prydain” series or “The Black Cauldron” you probably won’t understand the last part of this quote but it has something to do with “the weak things of the world shaming the strong”.

There have been many things that I have encountered in life that I felt “in over my head” but God has always carried me through. Praise God for His grace and mercy and supernatural strength!

Last Fall I started reading classic literature. In my time spent in the waiting room I’ve made it through “Robinson Crusoe” and “Flatland”. I just started reading “The Count of Monte Cristo”. I also read a marketing book for event planners.

Recently my husband was hinting that he might delink me from his blog if I didn’t start posting something (yet again). It’s not that I don’t want to blog. It’s finding the space for me to sit long enough to bring some cohesion to the jumble of random thoughts in my head. The thought struck me this morning that I might try to do this in my 45 minutes of ‘waiting’ each week.

I know that journaling is good for me. It helps me sort out my thoughts and emotions. And this in turn brings a certain level of peace within myself. There IS meaning to the madness.

So what am I feeling and thinking this morning? Besides typical frustrations from my job and some difficult circumstances involving my oldest son, I feel largely content. I really love my family – my husband is wonderfully encouraging, my middle son makes me smile, my daughter wears life like a garment – visible for all to see.

I am looking forward to the future. This probably has a significant impact on my current emotional state. I am planning to make some changes involving career and I feel optimistic and excited as I anticipate this transition in the next few months.

I watched a movie this week called “The Way”. It’s a movie about a man who decides to walk “The Way of St. James” which is an 800 km pilgrimage through France and Spain (after his son dies unexpectedly on the first day of he journey). It wasn’t as immediately ‘profound’ as I was expecting. Rather it was profound in more subtle ways. I need to ponder this film for a while and see where it takes me. One of the lines mentioned and highlighted in the film was “You don’t choose a life; you live it.”. This is a strong desire in my heart. I want my life to make a positive impact on the lives it touches.

After watching the film I think I’d like to go on a pilgrimage someday. I think whenever you take yourself out of your normal routine to ‘retreat’ there is an opportunity for God to speak to you in ways He wouldn’t be able to under regular circumstances. One of the things I wish I did more often is to take ‘mini retreats’ – maybe only an hour or two – to be still and meditate and allow God to speak with me.

‘Waiting’ is something I definitely can grow in. It’s very hard for me to ‘be still’. I’m lookin forward to more Saturdays ‘waiting at ballet’.