November 26th, 2004 by Carol
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cialis indiaI feel like I’m being unravelled and each time I think I’ve gotten to the end, I realize there’s more to be unravelled. I’ve been asking God for the ‘key’ to my freedom - freedom to ‘fly’ and be ‘ME’. And it seems that every time I think I’ve found the key, the door opens to another room that I had not expected and I realize that I still don’t have the key. I am getting the sense that each time I open another door, I get that much closer to actually getting to the heart of the issue. But this is HARD! The past few months have been brutal!
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November 21st, 2004 by Carol
I love my church family! The one I meet with on Sunday mornings. There’s probably people who would mock my church family. They might accuse us of relying too much on the ‘leading of the Holy Spirit’ and not enough on reasoning things out. We sometimes do things that would seem silly or strange. But I don’t really care what other people think. Because this I do know: more and more, we are growing in our love for each other. And we are learning to accept each other despite our differences. We are learning to consider others above ourselves. And as we grow in these things, my love increases for these people. It’s not just a church; it is my family.
Posted in Uncategorized || 1 Comment
November 19th, 2004 by Carol
I heard the lyrics for this song today. It describes a lot of where I am right now.
‘Break Away’
Grew up in a small town,
And when the rain would fall down,
I’d just stare out my window.
Dreaming of what could be,
And if I’d end up happy,
I would pray.
Try hard to reach out,
But when I tried to speak out,
Felt like no-one could hear me.
Wanted to belong here,
But something felt so wrong here.
So I’d pray,I could break away.
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly,
I’ll do what it takes till I touch the sky,
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun,
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love.
I’ll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Wanna feel the warm breeze,
Sleep under a palm tree,
Feel the rush of the ocean,
Get onboard a fast train,
Travel on a jetplane,
Faraway, and break away.
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly,
I’ll do what it takes till I touch the sky,
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun,
I won’t forget all the ones that I love.
I’ve gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Buildings with a 100 floors,
Swinging around revolving doors,
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me.
But I gotta keep moving on moving on,
Fly away, break away.
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly,
Though its not easy to tell you goodbye.
Gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun,
But I won’t forget the place I come from.
I’ve gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Break away, break away
-by Kelly Clarkson
Posted in Uncategorized || 1 Comment
November 18th, 2004 by Carol
I’ve been discovering some things about myself lately. How much I protect myself from others, and put up walls to keep others out (and keep ‘me’ in). I’m realizing how I have not allowed myself to get to know the true me (if that makes any sense). It’s like I’ve lived my life perceiving what others ‘expect’ of me and trying to live up to those expectations. So in the process, I became a chameleon. The only problem is I totally lost touch with who I really am. All the while, I was living life, ‘thinking’ I knew who I was, when what I ’saw’ was a projection of my perceived expectations of others.
God’s a pretty amazing guy. I really had no idea that all this was a part of me and that I was living like a chameleon. And He is very gently and patiently stripping down my defenses to reveal the true me. It feels like God’s unravelling me little bit by little bit. It’s a very painful process at times, but the end result is going to be greater freedom in my life and I’ll truly be able to know ‘me’ and be ‘me’ around other people. I’m already beginning to experience some of this and as I’ve been getting to know myself (boy, this sounds weird), I’m finding I really like who I am. Go figure!
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November 12th, 2004 by Carol
Yesterday, I practiced some solitude. A friend let me use his cabin and I headed off to the lake. What a beautiful day! I absolutely LOVE being in nature. I grew up on a farm and would always be tramping around the pasture or down at the creek. The reason I went for some solitude was really to have a serious talk with God. My life has felt like its been in a lot of turmoil lately, and I was at the point where I had had enough. I wanted to go someplace quiet, where there were no distractions and tell God what was on my heart and hear what was on His. Another friend of mine goes out for coffee with God. I think I’d say I go for walks with God; not often enough, mind you, but when I do go for a walk with God, I seem to hear Him more clearly than when I’m doing anything else. So, God and I went for a walk in the fields and pastureland by the lake. And I talked with God and He talked with me. Wow! I feel a lot better. Nothing like putting things into perspective. Does it mean my life is back in order? No, not really, but I’m looking at my life as if I’ve been give the right pair of glasses again. So everything doesn’t seem so daunting, and God doesn’t seem so small. I know I’ll be ok.
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November 8th, 2004 by Carol
This past year has not been an easy road for me. And it doesn’t appear to be getting any easier. I know God is using this time to root out some deep stuff in me that needs to go as He continues to shape my character.
He’s beginning to remind me of the dreams I once dreamed, what seemed a long, long time ago. The dreams I dreamed when I was young, naive, idealistic. The dreams I dreamed before the reality of life and poor choices laid waste to those dreams. You see, I used to believe that God had an express plan for me, specially designed for me, a plan in which He would use me to touch the world for His Kingdom. Do I dream too big? Perhaps. But it does not mean it is impossible for God.
But when the things I had put my hopes in fell apart, I stopped dreaming those dreams. I was so messed up, how could God possibly use me? I just needed to survive, forget about being used in God’s kingdom. Yet, in the midst of the turmoil of this past year, God is stirring up those longings once again. Deep inside I cry out, “There’s more to it than just surviving. I’m not on this planet for no reason at all. God does have a purpose for me.” The perfectionistic nature in me would tell me that I’m not good enough to be used. But my soul and spirit are railing against that thought. I refuse to believe the thought that God would not take me as I am and somehow use me to touch lives and bring glory to His name.
And so I press on. I have no idea what God has planned, but I know He does have a plan!
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November 3rd, 2004 by Carol
It’s been a few days since I posted anything, so I thought I might just ramble for a while. I hate being frustrated. I hate trying and seeming to get nowhere. I’m tired of trying to do ‘all the right things’. I’m tired of trying to figure out my place in this world. I’m tired of trying to be what I’m supposed to be. I WANT TO BE ME! But I’ve got so many darn self-protection mechanisms in place (old habits die hard) that it seems virtually impossible to just relax and be ME. And it seems that I only truly let ‘ME’ out for all to see when I’m ‘good and mad’. I hate being too hard on myself. I hate the fact that I can’t seem to stop being too hard on myself. I want to love me and find myself hating me the more I see of myself. Why does God love me anyway?!?! I feel all messed up, mixed up, frustrated, and worn out. I’m sick of it.
Posted in Uncategorized || 2 Comments
