December 31st, 2004 by Carol
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cialis indiaGoodbye 2004! Can’t say I’m going to miss you. This year has been one of the harder years of my life. I’m glad it’s over and I’m looking forward to what 2005 has to bring.
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December 30th, 2004 by Carol
I spent some solitude in the city today - went for coffee with God (I have no children for 2 days - they’re at grandma’s). Isn’t it funny how when you stop what you’re doing and spend time with God, seeking Him, He speaks to you? Anyways, I was encouraged during the time I spent with Him, my ’sight’ readjusted. I hope to spend some more solitude tomorrow.
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December 25th, 2004 by Carol
It’s Christmas! This is such a fun day, especially if you have children. Leighton came over and shared the first part of the morning with us and we all had a good time (of course, he was the one calling us at 7:00am, telling me it was Christmas and asking if it was time to open the presents yet). My youngest’s initial reaction when I woke him up and told him it was Christmas and that everyone was here was to grunt and pull the covers back over his head - but he woke up pretty quickly when he got downstairs to the presents. The kids get so excited over every gift they open. Matthew got a great big teddy bear and exclaimed, “It’s what I’ve always wanted!”, gave it a big hug and fell back onto the couch. Having kids makes it that much more enjoyable because you experience the wonder of Christmas through them. I’m glad Leighton could be with us.
Anyways, I wanted to wish everyone a merry Christmas. I’m staring at my new 17″ monitor as I’m blogging this (that might not be a big deal to a lot of you, but my old one was 14″ and this one just looks monstrous in comparison - how on earth did I function with that old thing?!). God bless you, and may His peace fill your hearts.
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December 17th, 2004 by Carol
I had a ‘light bulb’ moment today.
My church’s Christmas ‘Concerts of the Heart’ was this evening. People are able to share their artistic gifts in many forms in a ‘concert-type’ format. This can include singing, dance, drama, instrumentals, etc. But our Christmas one is a little more involved. It’s set up more like a ‘dinner theatre’ (but with desserts instead) and there are two seatings. The person organizing the whole thing asked me a few weeks ago whether I could be her ’stage manager’ for this. My job would be to make sure all the performers knew when they needed to perform and make sure they were in their places.
So that’s what I did tonight. And I absolutely loved it! I realized this is part of who I am. Not only did I enjoy it, but people were commenting about how good I was at what I did. There’s something inside me that totally loves directing people and telling them what to do. I haven’t enjoyed myself like this since I painted my house! (I was doing a lot of directing then). And tonight I had complete confidence in telling people where they needed to go or what they needed to do. And those people responded to my direction.
I wondered why I had so much confidence here when I don’t have that same confidence in other areas of my life. A few things came to mind: I knew the job I was responsible to do and so had no problems in carrying that out; also, the person ‘in charge’ had placed me in that role, so I had confidence that I was doing exactly what I was meant to be doing (and others responded to me in that role).
Where did the ‘light bulb’ moment happen? It’s when I realized that God has given me a role to play in His kingdom and I can have complete confidence in carrying out that role because it is what God has meant for me to do (and be). So the challenge for me is to find out what my specific role looks like (I have a feeling it might involve directing people in some way) and then to walk that role out in confidence and authority, knowing I am doing exactly what God has called me to do.
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December 15th, 2004 by Carol
I’m thinking about distractions today. My oldest son has a very difficult time being able to focus his attention. When he’s not on his medication, he sometimes seems to be completely all over the place. And I tend to get frustrated because I can’t get him to focus on what is right in front of him.
Are we like that? We tend to get distracted by so many things that take us away from what we should be focused on. I am reminded of the storm and Peter walking on the water. He was doing fine when his eyes were on Jesus. But as soon as he took his eyes off his source and onto the circumstances around him (ie: a raging storm in the middle of the night!), he started sinking.
We are constantly getting distracted away from Jesus and the fact that everything we need we have in Him. Why else would there be fears in our lives? And our heavenly Father is patiently and lovingly endeavoring to bring our attention back to Himself, where we will find everything we need to walk the road set before us. Discipline comes in maintaining our focus.
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December 8th, 2004 by Carol
I’m beginning to feel much better now. I’m starting to be able to look back on this year of ‘h-e-double hockey sticks’ and see God there. So here’s my profound thought on all of this:
God loves us so much, He will allow us to go through incredible amounts of stress and heartache in order to set us free from the things that hinder us. Even though it hurts and we’re crying out for it to stop, God is patient enough to see us through the process knowing it will make us more whole on the other side. Refining - it’s painful during the process, but the end result is pure gold. I want the gold, God, no matter what the cost!
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December 1st, 2004 by Carol
There is an extremely fine line between life and death. And God seems to be an expert at balancing that. He is able to push a person enough to break down their internal defenses so He can deal with those things in our inmost being that we protect but that are not build on God’s foundation at all. We protect ways of reacting to the world that are actually destructive for us, yet we don’t realize it. Because we are so protective of these things (especially if they have been a part of our lives for a very long time), God sometimes has to push pretty hard to break through. And here’s where the balancing act comes into play. Often these things have become a part of our being; they are not easily cast off. If we are pushed too hard too fast, we are unable to let go of the ‘old ways’ and we will be destroyed. But if God takes us just to the brink of utter defeat and despair, a tranference is able to take place. In that moment, we are able to take our trust off of the ‘old ways’ and move that to dependency on God.
There is a very real war going on as God strips away the old to replace it with the new. Galatians 5:17 says “The old sinful nature loves to do evil, which is just opposite from what the Holy Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are opposite from what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, and your choices are never free from this conflict.” In this process of growth, at the most intense points, I find myself wavering between hope and despair, between faith and fear. Will I choose to believe and hold firm to what the word of God says? Or do I succumb to the conflict at work within me which wreaks havoc with my emotions, constantly tempting me to keep my eyes on my circumstances and away from God?
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