April 29th, 2005 by Carol
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cialis indiaOnce upon a time, there was a princess who married a prince. They lived happily together and had two boys. But then the prince died, and the princess was left all alone. But she was never really alone, for her heavenly Father loved her very much and had already made a way for her and her two boys. Because He knew the beginning from the end; He knew how everything would turn out. And He told the princess not to be afraid and not to worry. He told her that there were good things, beyond what she could imagine, in store for her.
And the princess met another prince. He was gentle and kind, and she loved him very much. Through valleys and mountains they travelled and through their journeys the prince came to understand how much the princess truly loved him. So he asked her to marry him…
The princess is me and Leighton Tebay asked me to marry him this evening… and I said ‘Yes!’
Posted in Uncategorized || 8 Comments
April 28th, 2005 by Carol
I had a bit of a revelation today. Some of you will probably be thinking, ‘well duh’, but I think I’m understanding it in a deeper way.
As I accept myself for who I am, I have the freedom to accept my children for who they are. There is less fear of what people may think and less pressure on my kids. My children do much better and are happier when I can accept them in all their strengths and weaknesses. They, in turn, learn to accept themselves. And I believe they will be less likely to try to conform to become something they are not because they will be content with who they are (and that stems from their mother being content with who they are to begin with).
Posted in Uncategorized || No Comments
April 25th, 2005 by Carol
I had a wonderful time at the women’s retreat this weekend. The weather was beautiful, I was able to tramp around in the woods, experience some hours of uninterrupted solitude, have great conversations with some awesome ladies, was able to rest. There was such a sense of peace over the whole weekend.
And as a bonus, I was able to connect with a family in P.A. that I’ve wanted to connect with.
My boys seem to have had a good time as well. Thanks, LT. I’m glad you had fun.
Posted in Uncategorized || No Comments
April 22nd, 2005 by Carol
It’s been a very busy last couple of weeks. I haven’t been around much and I won’t be around this weekend. Going on a retreat with a bunch of other women from my church. Looking forward to it. Aahhh… peace… quiet… solitude. Bring it on!
Posted in Uncategorized || No Comments
April 10th, 2005 by Carol
Hey, everyone, my son joined the ranks of the blog world today. You can check him out at www.davidelijah.blogspot.com.
Posted in Uncategorized || 1 Comment
April 10th, 2005 by Carol
I’m here to say, “I’m sorry.”
I realize when I posted my “If I stopped coming to church…” entry, it hurt some people. I know that there are people who read my blog who go to this church and I was being insensitive to them. I’m sorry.
I can’t say my intentions were entirely noble. I was feeling sorry for myself, among other things. I think I was wanting to be able to connect with some of my close friendships in this church, feeling like that wasn’t happening, and in my frustration and the other emotions I was experiencing, start to wonder if anyone cared or would miss me. I think inside I was screaming, “Hey, I miss you! Don’t you miss me?”
But, I realize I was being very insensitive. And I am very sorry. I really do care about you. And I really miss you. So much has changed and is changing in my life. I want to be able to share my heart with you, and I want to hear your heart.
Posted in Uncategorized || 2 Comments
April 8th, 2005 by Carol
In response to my last post and the comments posted there, here’s some more thoughts.
I think I’m being misunderstood. In my last post, I was trying to sort out what I have been feeling and I was putting down whatever thoughts were coming to my mind. Although I technically did not state it, I think some people are assuming that my feelings of disconnect are a result of the fact that I am part of two communities of faith. I don’t think that is the case. Upon further reflection, I’m realizing the disconnect is coming from somewhere else.
What am I finding to be so difficult right now? I think it’s change and the finality that goes with it. Just as going through the experience of having your husband suddenly die changes you forever, the changes in myself that I have experienced over the last several months have changed me forever; I will never be the same. How I perceive things, how I respond to things is different in some ways, and this is affecting what I’m feeling when I’m interacting in my relationships. I understand that things will never be quite the same, that something is different in me now, and I’m grieving that loss.
I never used to allow myself to question things because I thought that by questioning I was not submitting to leadership and that I was being rebellious. Having come through the process of learning to allow myself to feel what I’m actually feeling, I find that I’m questioning certain assumptions where I never would have before. I believe this is the cause of my feelings of disconnect. I felt ‘connected’ before because I was conforming; now I’m feeling ‘disconnected’ because I’m no longer conforming for conformity’s sake. I think my feelings with pass as I get more used to the ‘new me’. I do not wish to be rebellious. On the contrary, I believe this change is a good thing. Being a follower who does not think or test does not benefit the body of Christ.
I’d like to address one more thing that was mentioned in the comments of my previous post. It’s something that really bothers me. It’s the assumption that when a person is involved in 2 communities of faith that by default, there will automatically be conflict and torn loyalties between the two. I really, really do not agree with this. I will admit that there are instances where there is conflict and torn loyalties. However, I honestly am not experiencing any of those in my situation. The 2 communities operate on very different levels and I function in different roles in each. I am not experiencing any stress or tension as a result of being part of 2 different communities. And it really bothers me that people assume that it has to be there. Actually, I’m finding I have the benefit of being able to see things from 2 different perspectives rather than just one.
And to say I will have to decide which community I will be accountable to seems a little ridiculous to me. Why can’t I be accountable to both communities? I’m accountable to my employer and I’m accountable to my kids and I’m accountable to my friends; there’s no opposition in these. Why should there have to be opposition in this? If there were some foundational theological conflicts between the 2 communities, I could understand why there might be a problem, but there aren’t any as far as I can see.
I think there are some assumptions being made that may not apply. This reminds me of something I went through at Christmas-time. There were some people making assumptions concerning a certain relationship of mine and I added those assumptions to ones I already had. The assumptions were not being met in the relationship and I began to feel pretty stressed about the whole thing. Then I felt God prompting me to lay down my assumptions. As soon as I did that, I was able to see things differently and the tension eased. The relationship is great now! I believe when we lay down our assumptions, it enables God to show us things from His perspective.
Those are my thoughts for now. Leave me a comment if you’d like.
Posted in Uncategorized || 5 Comments
April 4th, 2005 by Carol
Been thinking about all sorts of things about the church and people lately. The perspectives I once had about ‘church’ are shifting. It’s kind of like changing out of some old clothes and trying to figure out what the new ones look like, how they fit, how they feel. I’m not sure how I fit into the whole scheme of things in God’s kingdom anymore. I once thought I was so strongly connected to my church family that nothing would be able to pull me away from it. But I was very much a ‘follower’ who did very little (if any) discerning or testing of what was being presented to me. (’Presented to me….’ - I’ve got thoughts about the whole structure thing, too, but that will have to wait until another time.)
But now I am testing and weighing things a lot more than I used to. I don’t always agree with what’s being said, with people’s points of view. My husband used to come home from church and be questioning all sorts of stuff and feeling quite frustrated and discouraged about the whole thing. And I used to be very uncomfortable with that (”don’t rock the boat”). Now I find myself f0llowing in his footsteps in some ways.
I’m also part of a second community of faith and seeing some positive points in it, too. It’s not that I don’t love the people in my first church. I love them very much and that is perhaps why I’m finding this to be a bit of a difficult time right now. I think I’m finding my voice. But is my ‘voice’ in harmony with the rest of the choir? I don’t know. I feel so disconnected with my first church. I long for depth in those relationships but the church structure on Sunday mornings doesn’t really faciliate that. And we’re all busy with our lives. How can these relationships grow and develop? How can I stop the ‘drifting apart’ that I’m feeling?
I’m rambling and probably not making a lot of sense. I don’t have all my thoughts sorted out in my mind. I guess that’s what this blogging space is here for - to sort things out sometimes.
Posted in Uncategorized || 5 Comments
April 2nd, 2005 by Carol
I was speaking with a friend today who is a Catholic. He is quite affected by the passing of the Pope. He told me he had met the Pope in Rome when he was a young boy. It was a very special moment to him. I asked him why. He told me it was like touching God.
I’ve been thinking about his comment. As I am not part of the Catholic church, it is difficult for me to understand what Catholics are experiencing. Do people feel that they must physically touch the Pope in order to touch God?
I believe that as God’s children, we have the opportunity to ‘touch’ God every day. I think of Matthew 25:34-40 where Jesus says that whenever we do a kindness for another, we are doing it to Him. Do I ‘touch’ God when I call up a friend who’s experiencing turmoil in her life to be that listening ear and reassuring her she is not alone? Do I ‘touch’ God when I comfort a frightened child? I believe we are ‘touching’ God all the time, whether we realize it or not.
Conversely, because the Holy Spirit lives in us, I believe that we can experience God’s ‘touch’ through our interactions with other believers. There have certainly been times in my life when I have experienced God’s ‘touch’ through other believers. There are times when I have felt God Himself holding me.
It grieves me to think that there are people who are longing for God’s touch and longing to touch Him, but don’t understand that what they desire is a possibility right where they are, that they don’t have to go to Rome in order to experience it.
Posted in Uncategorized || No Comments
April 1st, 2005 by Carol
There are some great insights on the Bible in this post (spurred on from a discussion at another blog). Thanks to LT for the link.
Posted in Uncategorized || No Comments
