Memories of my former life

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I cleaned out my storage room today. I am a pack-rat by nature and today I set out to get rid of a lot of stuff. I ran across several things from the days when I was in Bible school and when I was dating Mike, even stuff when we got married. Eventually all those memories took their toll on me and I just had to stop and cry. Grieving very often takes me by surprise; I wasn’t even thinking of how sorting through all that stuff was going to affect me and then I was wondering why I was feeling sad and out-of-sorts, and then I realized I just needed to stop, accept what I was feeling and grieve.

Part of me feels like I’m letting go of my former life (even though I haven’t lived that life in a long time) as I’ve been sorting - deciding what to keep and what to get rid of. It’s really only symbolic but it seems to hold meaning. I don’t understand it all. But I’m glad I’m doing it now and not right before my wedding. I want to be able to look to the past with fond memories, but not to cling to it. I want to embrace all that God has for me today. And in order to do that, I must let go.

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Back in the land of single motherhood

May 20th, 2005 by Carol

I’ve had a few days of ‘no responsibility’, a few days of the truly bachelor life. It was nice. Wednesday evening, I sat in my hotel room and read the newspaper for probably close to an hour. It was so nice just to sit and read, with no interruptions, no having to feed someone or put someone to bed, or deal with some altercation.

I guess there’s a lot of things I miss with the fact I’m a single mom. I don’t think about them too much, because I think if I did, I could get really frustrated and bitter. But in the same way, its probably not a bad idea to visit the things I sacrifice in doing what I do, because then I can appreciate the position I’m in and take pride in the fact that for the most part I’m doing a good job, and that not everyone would survive (and in fact, thrive) faced with the circumstances I’ve been given.

I write this and wonder if I’m tooting my own horn, but you know what? I tend to undervalue myself a lot! And I’m really proud of the fact that I have walked through these past three years and am actually ‘thriving’. God has done an amazing thing in me, but I had to make the choice to follow Him within this circumstance. During my training course this week, we had to do an exercise about what we thought about ourselves. One of the questions was “What do you consider to be your greatest accomplishment?” My response was instant: my greatest accomplishment is facing the sudden death of my husband and managing my life, my kids, and my finances on my own.

I think I take for granted what I do. I assume anyone could do it. Leighton took on the role of ’single dad’ while I was in Calgary this week. And he did an awesome job! My kids love him so much. I wish I could have been there to see Matthew when Leighton dropped him off at the daycare and Matthew said (with much pride): “This is Leighton. He’s going to be my new dad.” But Leighton would not want my life for an extended period of time. He told me that a person gives up their life to take care of those kids. And its true. I have very little time for myself. But it’s something I do because I love my kids. They only have me. And I want to give as much as I can to ensure they grow up healthy and cared for.

All that will be changing come this summer when we get married (and by the way, after getting these ‘taste tests’ of ‘dad’, my boys cannot wait until Leighton can ‘move in with us’). I’m really looking forward to being married again (and its not because my life and my family can now be complete; it’s because I love the man! - I’ll have to post my thoughts on that another time). But it will be different. It’s very hard for me to picture what life will be like, but I know it will be good.

I’m feeling thankful right now. Thankful for the fact that I’ve experienced single parenthood. I can relate to single parents because I live in their shoes. But I’m also thankful because it has taught me to cherish a lot of the simple things in life people take for granted. When I’m given an afternoon to have a nap (while my boys clean up the backyard) or time to go to a training course and not have to worry about my kids, it means a whole lot to me. It’s priceless.

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In training

May 17th, 2005 by Carol

Ok, I haven’t been here for a while and I must admit, I miss it.

Anyways, a little about my life… at this moment, I am in another city taking a 3-day selling course for my company. Today was the first day and I am loving it! I love to learn and I also love the fact that I have a few days of ‘no responsibility’ (a.k.a. I’m not responsible for my children because they’re still at home ).

Things I value about my times of ‘no responsiblity’: no getting children up and ready for school/daycare and no making meals (or cleaning up afterwards).

No more thoughts for this evening. I’m going to go sit in the whirlpool for a while.

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New blog

May 7th, 2005 by Carol

My friend Ranya has started her own blog. You can check her out at www.hearherwalk.blogspot.com.

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…on my mind

May 6th, 2005 by Carol

It’s been a busy week. You know, one of those weeks where you have a hard time remembering what you did two days ago. My brain feels like mush. I know I’ve had a profound thought at least once or twice this week, but they escape me right now.

I’m enjoying being engaged. It feels a little weird at times, to be talking about getting engaged to all my married friends who have children. We all hang out together (or chat online) and we all have kids. And it feels just a little backwards to be engaged now. But I’m used to this. It felt sooo weird to be dating and having all those feelings of infatuation, etc. after my husband passed away. THAT felt really weird. I’d say to myself “I’m too old to be doing this again!” But I know I’m not the only one. And I’m determined to enjoy every minute of it. How many people have the opportunity to experience these things twice?

Although in this society there are lots of people who do experience these things more than once. But I believe widowed people have an advantage because they don’t have to carry with them all the baggage that comes with the breakdown of a relationship. I am completely absolved of all guilt and there are no feelings of rejection. My husband’s death was something completely out of my control.

I feel much more deeply now for people who experience separation and divorce. As far as I’m concerned, they’ve got a much more difficult road to walk. And it saddens me how so many people will rally around someone whose spouse has died (which is good), but that same level of support is not extended to many divorced people. I know it’s a more ‘touchy’ situation, but these people need people to love them. And especially if they have children! Those children need people to ‘father’ and ‘mother’ them and provide examples of what healthy relationships look like.

Don’t get me wrong. I do NOT support divorce. I hate the effect it has on adults and children. But if it happens to someone, I don’t want to be someone who lays blame (’let him who has no sin cast the first stone’), and I don’t want to be someone who ignores the people involved. That just makes it worse.

That’s it for now. I’ve had my rant for tonight.

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Great Expectations

May 1st, 2005 by Carol

~
I love fairy tales. I see my journey these past 3 years as taking me to the place where dreams come true. I want to believe the unbelievable, and receive the inconceivable, and see beyond my wildest imagination. And that’s happening before my eyes. Who would have known that such a wonderful life was ahead of me, when all I could see was pain and death?

(I know I’m being idealistic and that life is not all roses. I know there are trials ahead, but God is faithful to walk with me through all of them. So I’m not going to worry about that. For today, I’m going to dream and enjoy all the good things in my life, and praise God because He loves me!)

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