August 30th, 2005 by Carol
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cialis indiaEveryone has issues - issues with trust, issues with fear, issues with being vulnerable, the list goes on. I have issues. I have pride. I want to be ‘right’. I don’t like to lose. Some people seem to stay ’stuck’ in their issues and are never able to move past them. I’m talking about believers in Christ, not unbelievers. What keeps people ’stuck’ where they are? Why do I seem to stay ’stuck’? I get so frustrated when this happens. I’d rather be able to just deal with something and then move on (did I mention I have issues with being patient?). It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Why don’t I see more of that?
I think one of the factors involved is how people handle their issues. Do I muster up all my defenses or do I allow myself to be broken? Being broken isn’t fun. I’ve been there. Being broken means I might have to humble myself to other people, maybe people I’m not even sure care about me. I might have to admit that I’m wrong or at least honestly see the other side of the story. My natural tendancy is to fight rather than be humbled. But I know that true life, the abundant life that Jesus talked about, only comes through brokenness. Because out of brokenness comes freedom. I’ve been feeling a growing frustration lately because I desire to be used by God to touch people’s lives, and yet I don’t feel like that’s happening at all. I wonder tonight whether it’s because I’m not broken; I’m too proud. My heart cries out to be in a place where my only source is God my Savior. Take me there, God. When it comes down to it, I’d rather be broken.
Posted in Uncategorized || 2 Comments
August 26th, 2005 by Carol
It hasn’t been overly busy lately, but I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to get back into some of my old routines (before wedding planning and other things took over). Things like walking on my treadmill (I’m in the process of watching ‘Good Will Hunting’), getting back into a routine with my kids, etc. It’s not the exact same routine - it’s so awesome to have a husband who will start supper if he gets home before you, help put the kids to bed, load the dishwasher. I am truly thankful for these things because I know so well what it’s like to have to do it all myself.
I’m also trying to make more space for the ‘invasion’. Leighton is still moving stuff over from next door (the last roommate doesn’t move out until sometime in September). I spent all of last Saturday dealing with my storage room. We had moved all the kids’ toys over there so the old toyroom could become the ‘man-cave’ (a guy needs his personal space). I removed 5 garbage bags of toys and stuffed animals. I let the kids go through the bags once I was finished the elimination process to see if there were things they wanted to keep. I was anticipating the “it’s all special to me!” thing and ending up keeping half the toys I had packed away, but the boys were surprisingly good about it - they only took less than one armful each. I was really impressed. Tomorrow I’m tackling the boys bedrooms - we still have a dresser and desk to move over. We plan on putting the desk in my oldest boy’s room and moving his smaller desk into his little brother’s room. Wish me luck (I can’t see the floor in my oldest son’s room).
Posted in Uncategorized || 3 Comments
August 17th, 2005 by Carol
On weakness:
I don’t like to appear ‘weak’. I highly value strength and self-sufficiency. Even though being a single parent wasn’t easy, I take pride in the fact that I was able to provide for my family and manage my household for the last 3 1/2 years. It’s very difficult for me to admit when I am in need or to ask or receive help. This comes from a drive to prove myself. I’m just beginning to realize that this need to prove myself runs very deep. It’s so deep, that often I only realize after the fact that what I just did was to prove myself. What am I trying to prove? I’m not even exactly sure. It probably has to do with needing to prove that I am ‘good enough’. I think it’s going to take a while for the Lord to bring all of what’s behind this to the surface; I feel like the process has just begin. I know I certainly do not want to continue operating like this.
On neediness:
In my journey over the past few years, I realized how incredibly needy I had been emotionally towards my late husband. It was not a healthy form of neediness. I don’t want to go back there again and so I am paranoid that if I appear needy to my husband, I will fall back into my old ways. That’s another reason why it’s hard for me to admit my need.
I do believe something very strongly, though. I do not ‘need’ man to take care of me or fix my problems. I need God! He is the One who has promised to supply ALL my needs (not man). Think about all the widows and single parents out there. Are they any less cared for because they do not have a husband? Although everyone’s circumstances are going to be different, I don’t believe that God gives them any less just because they are not married. HE is our sufficiency. But in my case, God has given my husband to me as a gift. That’s how God wants to take care of some of my needs. I just need to accept that and give myself permission to be weak to my husband because that’s one of the reasons God has given him to me.
Posted in Uncategorized || 3 Comments
August 16th, 2005 by Carol
Thought I would post something. I love being married…again. It’s very different from my first marriage - I’m older, wiser, better circumstances. It’s awesome! My husband is amazing!!! He’s so supportive and encouraging. It’s kind of hard to deal with sometimes, because of my staunch independence - I don’t want to appear ‘weak’, like I would NEED someone; I’ve done this for 3 years on my own. Is it a sign of weakness to ‘need’ someone? It’s going to be something I think I’ll be dealing with for a while.
Feeling tired after my first day back to work (had to wake up 2 hours earlier than I have been on my holidays - urgh!). Read a good book on my honeymoon about ‘explosive’ children. It was good, learned a lot about my own parenting strategies. But also discouraging at times as I see myself slip back into my old, less productive parenting patterns.
Found out today that Pastor Dwayne Harms passed away. And that another friend of ours received some really bad news on Monday. I hate feeling powerless to the sickness around me.
Posted in Uncategorized || 7 Comments
August 15th, 2005 by Carol
Well, I’m back. I guess it’s time to face the ‘real’ world. I had an awesome honeymoon! Relaxing, and lots of fun. The wedding day was great, too. Some friends who have flickr accounts have pooled their photos of the wedding here (you can also click on the title of this post to get to the site).
Posted in Uncategorized || 2 Comments
August 1st, 2005 by Carol
I’m getting married. Only a few more hours of being Carol Fisher, soon to be Carol Tebay. Here we go!
Posted in Uncategorized || 6 Comments
