Avoiding work…

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Right now I’m chatting on MSN messenger, trying out this new blog editor, Windows Live Writer, and NOT doing the work I said I was going to do for my day job.  I’m really swamped right now at work and have been trying to put in an hour of work every night to try to catch up (being sick a couple weeks back put me further behind than I already was).

I am so unmotivated right now.  Maybe I’ll post a photo with my new blog editor…

Posted in Uncategorized || No Comments

Sick of being sick

February 17th, 2008 by Carol

It turns out I have been sick all week long and I’m still sick. I am sick of being sick! I haven’t been getting a lot of uninterrupted rest and everyone in our family has gotten sick, so it’s been hard to recover from what I’ve got. I feel better now than I did on Monday and Tuesday, but the sad thing is my ‘feeling better’ is what I would normally consider sick enough to stay home. My head is still stuffed up and I’m coughing a lot, but I don’t have the chills and aches and pains I had earlier this week.

Lynae didn’t sleep well on Monday night. I tried sleeping with her on our reclining chair. I thought if she was elevated it might help with her breathing, but it just got worse throughout the night. Finally we took her into the hospital early Tuesday morning. It turns out she had croup and they gave her oxygen and corticosteriod to loosen things up in her throat and lungs to help her breathe easier. She’s much better now. I am very thankful for hospitals and modern medicine. A hundred years ago, babies could very likely die from croup.

I will be so glad when we’re all finished being sick. Hopefully that will be very soon!

Posted in Family, Personal || 4 Comments

RANT: Being Sick

February 11th, 2008 by Carol

I was sick yesterday and I was sick today and…I’m not feeling any better yet. I slept for most of the day and still I feel just as bad as I did this morning. I’m not used to this. Usually, I don’t get really sick and the worst of it usually lasts about a day. Then I can go back to work. Not so today.

And I feel guilt, GUILT, about missing TWO days of work. I can accept one, but TWO! What are they going to do without me? (they’ll be able to handle it - they always do) I’ll have to make up all this lost time (even though I usually put in a couple of extra hours above the 40 every week). I took stuff home to work on today, but I only put in about 3 hours (that’s not even half a day of work!).

I know that it would be better for me to stay home and not infect my workplace with whatever horrendous cold bug I have, but…deep down…the real reason I feel bad about missing two days of work is…what will people think of me because of this? Will they think I’m skipping work when I’m not really sick; will they think I can’t do a good enough job (I must be ’superwoman’ you know - nothing can defeat me!); will they think less of me as an employee?

Those are the insecurities I face. My self-worth is tied to my ability to do a good job, and if I miss a couple of days because I’m sick, it must mean I’m weak and inadequate. I understand this doesn’t make any sense. I’m sure no one in the office is going to think less of me because I’m sick. I’m a hard worker and they see that. But there’s a corner of me that…doubts…and wonders if I’m good enough.

What did Paul say? God told him that his grace is sufficient for him; God’s power is made perfect in weakness. Grace…that’s the key…embrace grace. I don’t have to strive to be ‘good enough’. I’m already completely accepted. It doesn’t matter what people think of me (or what I perceive they think of me) when I am able to embrace God’s grace (one small step at a time).

P.S. To add to all this, my oldest boy has the flu and my youngest girl has what I’ve got. Pray for my hubby, who’s working AND holding down the fort!

Posted in Personal || 1 Comment

I should blog more often

February 10th, 2008 by Carol

My husband said today, “You should blog more often”. I agree.

I asked, “What should I blog about?”. He said, “Life.”

It’s easy enough to blog about the everyday things happening in my life (although it seems awfully boring to me at times). Life seems to be about going to work during the week, resting on the weekend and getting back at it on Monday morning. I’m still enjoying my job although this week was particularly hard. Tuesday was the first day I had the thought, “I wish I wasn’t the ‘manager’ today.”

There are some shining lights - my wonderful husband, who never ceases to communicate his love for me; my daughter, who is so much fun with her quirky personality at almost 15 months; our house church, which always offers a richness in discerning the word of God together.

My friendships, which I had more time for while on maternity leave, are requiring a more conscious effort on my part since going back to work. And I haven’t been very ‘conscious’ a lot of the time. It seems too long between visits, but the visits and chats are cherished all the same. I wish I had days where I could go hang out for the afternoon.

I think the most significant thing that has been happening to me over the past few months is a re-examining of my view of God. This is a more difficult thing to talk about. I don’t have everything figured out. In deconstructing some of my beliefs, the alternative to those misconceptions about God almost seem heretical to me. I find myself questioning commonly assumed beliefs wondering if those beliefs are truly consistent with the word of God. Does God ’send’ people to hell? Or is it that people ‘choose’ darkness instead of light and in so doing THEY are the ones that separate themselves from God, not the other way around.

John 3:17-20 says, “17 “For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. 18 “He who believes in Him is not judged; he who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. 19 “This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil. 20 “For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.”

Doesn’t this sound more like people hiding themselves from the Light rather than the Light hiding itself from them? I’ve fought this concept for a while but I find it appealing to me. It demostrates God’s great love for the whole world. The Bible also talks about the ‘day of Judgement’. But what does that really mean? Do we assume to know how God is going to judge even though His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts? What is the overriding message of Jesus’ ministry, His death, and resurrection? Is it not the passionate love of God? Is that the theme of God’s message to His people: LOVE? Paul said that three would remain: faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love. (1 Cor 13).

I realize I have put more weight on God’s judgement of sin than on His love. As a result I find it very difficult to accept His grace because I don’t deserve it. I deserve judgement and that is how I treat myself most of the time. What if there are subtle lies in my thinking that at first seem biblical, but when God digs deeper I realize go against who God really is? I suspect there is much more freedom in Christ available to me if I understood more of the nature of who He is and who God the Father is.

Like I said, I don’t have this all figured out. But I find it liberating to be examining my beliefs and testing to see if they truly represent the heart of God or if the concepts are just assumed to be found in the Bible because I’ve heard them so many times before.

Posted in Faith, Personal || No Comments