Thoughts on why people leave the church

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A couple of weeks ago, a friend wrote this blog post and it got me thinking. I have a somewhat different take on why people ‘deviate from the truth they once knew’ as she puts it. Let me preface this with a little bit of my journey. Over two years ago, I found something new happening to me as I would sit in church. As I would listen to the sermon, this question kept coming back to me: ‘What is the message of the cross?’ I found myself listening to the words spoken and wondering if this truly was the message of the cross. Or were so many other things being added to the message that the true message had been lost?

You may wonder what I’m talking about. Here’s one example: we say the message of the cross is that Jesus died for our sins so we could be free; we don’t have to strive to be ‘good enough’ to be a part of God’s kingdom. Yet how do we measure whether or not someone is a faithful Christian? They need to read their Bible every day, attend church regularly (meaning Sunday morning service), pray, tell others about Jesus, volunteer in a church program… the list could go on and on. Although we say there is freedom in Christ, the relationship we have with Him can become a bunch of rules to follow. Where is the freedom in that?

People may argue that there is a part the individual has to play in this relationship. God does not do everything. While I agree that a relationship takes two, so much of what I see does not really focus on the relationship but rather on the ‘list’ of things we should do to be a ‘good’ Christian. The relationship part seems to take a back seat to everything else.

I believe the church has ‘tacked on’ so many other things to the message of the cross that the true essence of the Gospel has been lost.

So here’s my question concerning those people who walk away from the truth: did they ever really know the Truth in the first place?… Did they experience the reality of the message of grace? Or were they promised one thing, but received something quite different?

This leads to my theory of why people leave the church (meaning they stop attending church on Sunday morning). I see two reasons:

1. They believe there is more to life in Christ than what they’ve experienced in ‘regular’ church and they leave seeking more depth in their relationship with God and with others. These people don’t necessarily stop meeting with other followers of Christ; they just don’t do it in the Sunday morning church context.

2. They are disillusioned by the disconnect between what Christianity promises and their own church experience. They cannot reconcile the two and so give up on the whole thing. They abandon Christianity (or at least their understanding of it).

In this last case, I’m not saying these people were never Christians. I consider myself a Christian and yet I admit that I don’t have a clear understanding of God’s grace, which I believe is key to the message of the cross. But this also begs the question, “Why don’t I understand? What have I been taught to hinder my understanding of this fundamental truth? If my life does not reflect the belief that I am truly saved by God’s grace (which is what we as Christians say we are), why is that?” I can see why people would become disillusioned. Being saved by grace sounds appealing, but its not the reality I see in the lives of a lot of Christians. Is there something horribly wrong with the salvation message we speak of?

In her blog post, my friend said she didn’t suppose it was up to her to decipher the whys and whats behind people’s reasons to leave. I disagree. I believe it is very important to examine the reasons behind the exodus from the church. If the reason has to do with a skewed presentation of the Gospel, then the church is at least partially responsible for the reason why so many are leaving. This should be a warning for us to re-examine what we believe and ask God to reveal whether what we say we believe - is the Truth or an altered version of the Truth (which in reality is no truth at all).

Posted in Church, Faith || 17 Comments

Weekend away

March 23rd, 2008 by Carol

We spent the long weekend in Edmonton visiting family. Because of my work, I was able to get a discount at the Delta Edmonton South, so my hubby and I spent two nights there with no kids. It was so wonderful. It was so quiet! We both didn’t want to leave as we were packing up today.

Living in a hotel is quite the life - you get your food brought up to you, they make your bed for you and clean up after you. No dishes to do, no housecleaning. It was so nice.

We both agreed we need to do this more often, even if it means running away to a Saskatoon hotel for a weekend.

Posted in Personal || 1 Comment

It helps to understand personalities

March 9th, 2008 by Carol

I am an ‘ISFJ’ (according to the Myers-Briggs type indicator).  I am ‘Introverted’, ‘Sensing’ (meaning that I look at things as black and white, concrete), ‘Feeling’ (meaning I base my decisions on feelings - how I feel or how it will make someone else feel), and ‘Judging’ (meaning I need order and structure in my life).  It has been immensely helpful for me to understand these things about myself as well as understand the personalities of others. 

For instance, my husband is the exact opposite personality type as me: ENTP.  He’s extroverted, he sees the gray in things and is intuitive (iNtuition), he bases decisions on facts/truth (Thinking), and does not need structure to function (Perceiving).  Understanding these things about him helps me to respond lovingly when he appears ‘rude’, for example (functioning from the ‘thinking’, not ‘feeling’ side of things).  He’s acting in a way I wouldn’t because I’m not wired the way he is.  He doesn’t have to be like me.  Actually its a good thing we are opposite personality types.  We can compliment each other then.  But I’m sure having this understanding of his personality type has saved us from fighting because we understand the other person.  So many times fights happen as a result of lack of understanding the other’s perspective.

Knowledge of the Myers-Briggs type indicator has also been extremely helpful in relating to our children.  Our 7 1/2 year old boy is as ENFP which basically means he’s all about having fun.  Trying to get him to do work is like mission:impossible at times, but understanding that he’s wired this way keeps me from thinking that he’s deliberately being defiant and disobedient.  Most times that’s not the reason he isn’t working.  It’s just that its boring and he’d rather do something fun.

Our oldest son has similarities in his personality type to mine.  He’s concrete/black and white, and needs a lot of structure.  This explains why we can butt heads a lot.  We’re both not willing to back down on a point and if the one were to compromise it would mean upsetting the perceived order in the other person’s world.  However understanding this has helped me to ‘let go’ when we’ve entered into a disagreement.  I have to admit I don’t always do this, but without understanding his personality type, I’d never back down and always interpret his reactions as defiance.

I would suggest that everyone take the test and find out what their personality type is and find out the personality types of their family, if possible.  It’s made such a difference for me in how I relate to people (when I understand myself and understand others).  You can find an online test at http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/.

On a interesting note, it seems that my personality type changes when my sense of order is threatened.  I no longer operate based on feelings but on thinking, which means I’ll do things without worrying about how it will make people feel because it will enable things to run more smoothly. 

Posted in Uncategorized || 1 Comment

Challenging week

March 9th, 2008 by Carol

It’s been a challenging week at work.  Very challenging.  My boss was out of the office at training so that left me ultimately responsible for the office.  Every day something was thrown at me that I had to deal with.  While it was stressful a lot of the times, I actually feel good about the week.  With each ‘challenge’ thrown at me, I was able to address the issue and come up with a resolution and/or get help from others to address the problem. 

It feels very natural to be in a leadership role.  I’m very thankful for the company that I work for.  They allow people to grow in leadership.  They don’t micro-manage.  They allow people to question old ways of doing things and are open to new ideas.  They work as a team and offer support where needed and advice when asked.  The more leadership I’m given the more fulfilled I feel (even when faced with numerous challenges).  I think it’s because I feel like I’m making a real difference.  I’m in a position to make changes for the better and I love being able to do that.  I love helping people and equiping them to be the best at their job that they can be.

This week has been challenging but I know I’ve grown through it and am more confident coming out the other side.

Posted in Uncategorized || No Comments

Ramblings of an angry woman

March 4th, 2008 by Carol

The thing about anger is…it takes a lot of energy to sustain it.  After I’m finished with being angry and frustrated, I feel really tired.  It feels like there’s a hole left behind after the anger is gone.  An emptiness.  Feelings of anger are replaced with feelings of defeat.  Did all the being angry really accomplish anything?  Why do I get angry?  Is it a learned behavior?  Is it a survival tactic?

Ok, I’m totally rambling here.  What brought these thoughts on?  Something happened today that made me really angry.  I generally get frustrated and at times really angry if I perceive that someone is not listening to me.  This most often happens with my kids but it can happen with other people, too.  This is why I got angry today, but it was also the result of a bunch of little frustrations all building up to the ‘last straw’.

I’m sitting here thinking about how I felt at the time and also at how I carried that anger with me for a while afterwards.  I do believe I harbour resentment in my heart.  Sometimes I can be angry about something, calmed down for a couple of hours or a day and then I start telling someone about it and all of a sudden, I’m just as angry as when it first happened.  I’m wondering why I’m like this.

Some people cry almost every day.  I hardly ever cry.  But I get frustrated and angry.  Is this just another way of dealing with stress?

What is anger anyways?  It’s an emotion.  Anger, just like any emotion, is neutral.  It’s what we do with  our anger that makes it good or bad.  What do I do with my anger?  Complain about the circumstance or people that were the source of my anger; harbour resentment.  Ultimately, does this bring any satisfaction?  Initially, perhaps, but not in the long run.  What would be a better thing to do with my anger?  I don’t know.  This is the way I’ve handled my anger for a long time.  Maybe I need to find different, better outlets for my anger, but I don’t know what they would be.  Maybe it would just be doing things to relax, rather than fueling the flames by complaining to people.  I don’t know the answers but recognize that I could use some change in this area of my life.

As I’m writing this post, I’m also seeing a lot of my oldest son in this, although in his case, its more of an extreme.  He, too, gets angry about things.  I think most of the time he gets angry its because of a perceived injustice or feeling out of control in relation to his environment.  He also harbours resentment in his heart and can get angry about an incident that happened a long time ago.  We do have our similarities, but I never really saw it in the area of anger.

Hmmm…. food for thought.

Posted in Uncategorized || 3 Comments

Toe-tapping…amazing!

March 2nd, 2008 by Carol

 

 

 

 

 

Last night, I saw Riverdance in Regina.  It was amazing!  I’ve seen it on TV, listened to the music, and absolutely loved it.  It was the one show that has come to Saskatoon that I had regretted not seeing (but at the time I couldn’t justify $90 a ticket to see it).  It’s one thing to see it on TV but it’s something else to see it live.  I’m still blown away by how fast these performers can move their feet and how all those people can do it in perfect unison.  It is an amazing experience.

I’ve always loved Celtic music.  It’s so haunting.  It can be mournful, melancholy, joyous.  I think what I like most about it is how it carries such emotion with it.  You feel it in the depths of your being.

Even though everything about Riverdance was so good, I think the highlight was watching the Russian Dance troupe.  They were amazing!  I can’t really put into words what they did, but the choreography was fantastic!  And the group looked liked they were having so much fun just doing it.  It was great!

Posted in Uncategorized || 2 Comments