We all have expectations.\u00a0 It’s how we function.\u00a0 It’s what gives us a sense of security in this world.\u00a0 I ‘expect’ to wake up in the morning; I ‘expect’ the water to run and my car to start.\u00a0 I have expectations in the mundane, ordinary things of life.\u00a0 And I have expectations when it comes to the relationships I have with others.\u00a0 Depending on the person and the position, the expectations will be different but there will be expectations nonetheless.<\/p>\n
These expectations aren’t usually ‘bad’ in and of themselves.\u00a0 I think it’s healthy to have expectations.\u00a0 We’d probably go crazy if we had no expectations at all.\u00a0 But what do you do when those expectations aren’t met?\u00a0 When it comes to inanimate things like a car not starting or water mysteriously not coming out of my taps, my initial reaction is usually one of frustration or annoyance.\u00a0 But after that passes I get down to addressing the situation.\u00a0 Maybe my car needs a boost or I need to call the City about my water issue.<\/p>\n
When it comes to human relationships, things can be more complicated (and they usually are).\u00a0 I cannot control or change how another human being acts (the only person I can change is me).\u00a0 And there are other factors that come into play.\u00a0 The individual can have very deep-rooted ways of functioning in their world and it may be extremely difficult to change those ways.\u00a0 Even if the individual desires change, in my experience this only happens over time.<\/p>\n
To further complicate matters I find that I’m not generally aware of the expectations I have in a relationship…until those expectations are not being met.\u00a0 And even then I’m not usually thinking to myself, “Hmm…this person isn’t meeting my expectations; let’s have a discussion about this.”\u00a0 My internal radar is not rational thought.\u00a0 No, it’s my emotions!\u00a0 I feel sad, I feel annoyed, I feel frustrated, I feel angry, I feel disappointed.\u00a0 And depending on what kind of relationship I have with the person, I may or may not articulate this.<\/p>\n
When it comes to those I am close to and feel ‘safe’ with like my husband and my children I can usually speak up but even then there are times when I’m ‘feeling’ something but I don’t say anything.\u00a0 For example, it took me a long time to finally tell my family that I felt frustrated when they would leave the table immediately after supper and I would be left cleaning up by myself.\u00a0 Once I brought this up, my husband was quick to make a change and now I am very rarely left cleaning up by myself.\u00a0 Why didn’t I say something right away?\u00a0 Maybe I thought the issue would resolve itself.\u00a0 Maybe I wasn’t conscious of my frustration (and unmet expectation) until it had been going on for a while.\u00a0 Maybe I didn’t think I should make a big deal about a seemingly small concern.<\/p>\n
Yet those unmet (unconscious) expectations can lead to resentment if left unaddressed.\u00a0 This has happened to me in the past and I have been challenged once again this week regarding this.\u00a0 You see, I don’t like suffering and I want to help people.\u00a0 When I am in relationship with someone I care about who seemingly is harming themselves I feel sad and I want them to ‘get better’.\u00a0 It may seem obvious to me that if they would just change their actions and\/or attitude they would experience life in a much better way.\u00a0 And when these people don’t appear to be making any moves in this direction I start to feel frustrated.\u00a0 Why are they doing things to make life worse for themselves?\u00a0 My expectation is that the person would work towards changing their behavior\/attitude to stop bringing harm to themselves.\u00a0 When this doesn’t happen, over time, my frustration morphs into resentment.\u00a0 I resent them for harming themselves while all I can do is continue to watch them suffer (enter: ‘not liking suffering’ and ‘not being able to help’ part).<\/p>\n
I didn’t say this necessarily makes sense.\u00a0 And as I’ve mentioned above, people can have deep-rooted (and unhealthy) ways of functioning in this world.\u00a0 It may be that they are unable to change their ways.\u00a0 Or perhaps they aren’t aware of what needs to change (although it may seem obvious to me).\u00a0 Or perhaps they don’t think what they’re doing is bringing harm to themselves (maybe that’s only my interpretation of the situation).\u00a0 However, this has not stopped resentment from creeping into my heart.<\/p>\n
When I finally ‘clue in’ to the cause of my angst, it’s best for me to re-evaluate the relationship (or my resentment will grow and eventually there won’t be any relationship left).\u00a0 What expectations aren’t being met?\u00a0 Are these valid expectations? Should I ‘let go’ of these expectations?\u00a0 Is having them met key to the relationship or will it survive without them?\u00a0 Should I discuss this with the person or will it make matters worse if I do?<\/p>\n
Every situation and relationship is unique and I have had different answers to these questions at different times.\u00a0 There are times when I realize the expectation is not a hill worth dying on and I let it go (i.e., expecting my children to close the kitchen cupboards).\u00a0 There are times when I feel the freedom to bring up the issue and positive change is the result (i.e., clearing the table after supper).\u00a0 There are also times when I’ve brought up the issue and no change has happened or the situation has even deteriorated.\u00a0 I’ve had to re-evaluate my expectations once again.\u00a0 There are times when I recognize that the other person is not going to change (in the way I ‘expect’ them to), that I value the relationship despite this fact, and so I choose to let go of these expectations.\u00a0 It can be very freeing to ‘let a person go’ in this way.\u00a0 Without the unmet expectations the resentment disappears.\u00a0 I am free to accept and love this person for who they are, warts and all (and not for the person I ‘expect’ them to be).\u00a0 This can also be the hardest thing to give up (because I really don’t like suffering and I want people to ‘get better’).\u00a0 There are times when having the expectation met is key to the relationship (a healthy one, at least) and I have chosen to completely remove myself from that relationship.\u00a0 Again, this has not been easy, but necessary nonetheless.<\/p>\n
It all comes down to expectations.\u00a0 So much of what I experience is influenced by my expectations.\u00a0 Often the frustrations I have in relationships comes down to just this.\u00a0 As much as I’d like to blame the other person for my issues, it often means I’m the one that needs to change.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"