{"id":1879,"date":"2015-10-13T22:50:49","date_gmt":"2015-10-14T04:50:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/?p=1879"},"modified":"2015-11-14T22:07:12","modified_gmt":"2015-11-15T04:07:12","slug":"combating-shame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/?p=1879","title":{"rendered":"Combating Shame"},"content":{"rendered":"

Everyone experiences shame and there is no way we can eliminate it from our lives. As Brown puts it, \u201cAs long as we care about connection, the fear of disconnection will always be a powerful force in our lives, and the pain caused by shame will always be real.\u201d (Daring Greatly<\/em>, p.74)<\/p>\n

The answer is shame resilience<\/em><\/strong>. This is \u201cthe ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection than we have going into it.\u201d (Daring Greatly, <\/em>p.74).<\/p>\n

The four elements of shame resilience<\/em><\/strong> (as listed in Daring Greatly<\/em>) are:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Recognizing Shame and Understanding its Triggers<\/li>\n
  2. Practicing Critical Awareness<\/li>\n
  3. Reaching Out<\/li>\n
  4. Speaking Shame<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    It takes a certain amount of emotional intelligence to work through this process. Can we recognize when we are experiencing shame and are we able to learn what triggers it? This takes practice and a degree of curiosity. There are times when I have reacted (in shame) to something and I think to myself afterwards, \u201cWhat was that about? Why did I react like that?\u201d If I ask the questions long enough, I can begin to see patterns (in some areas of my life, at least) and learn to recognize the shame triggers. This also involves critical awareness<\/em>, asking ourselves what messages we\u2019re telling ourselves when we\u2019re in shame and testing those messages. Are they true? Realistic? Would I talk like this to others?<\/p>\n

    Reaching Out<\/em> is so very important in developing shame resilience. It is by sharing our stories with those we trust, with those who care for us, that we can experience empathy (the antidote to shame); it\u2019s how we can experience connection and healing. Just as shame happens between people, it also heals best between people (Daring Greatly, <\/em>p.75).<\/p>\n

    Speaking Shame<\/em> can be very, very difficult to do, but it\u2019s amazing what happens when you can actually do it. Shame wants to stay hidden so when I can actually say (out loud), \u201cI feel shame\u201d it actually cuts shame off at the knees. It loses its power over me.<\/p>\n

    I know this from personal experience. My husband and I were having a group of friends over for potluck supper one evening. In our home, we have the housecleaning duties down to a science: my husband has one area of the house, I have another area\u2026we can get the house cleaned within an hour. But on this particular day, I had been out for the afternoon and got home late. Company was arriving in less than 45 minutes. My husband had already finished his part of the housecleaning and I was frantically trying to get my part done.<\/p>\n

    The more the clocked ticked, the more shame I felt \u2013 \u201cwhy did I stay out so late? This is all my fault. I\u2019m a terrible person. What are people going to think of me?\u201d. But even then, I couldn\u2019t actually say out loud, \u201cI feel shame.\u201d My husband sensed my growing tension and asked me, \u201cAre you feeling shame?\u201d Even to get the word \u201cYes\u201d out of my mouth was difficult. But I took a deep breath and said, \u201cYes\u2026I feel shame.\u201d It was amazing. Just saying those words seemed to deflate the balloon of tension within me. I started feeling calmer and things didn\u2019t feel like \u201cthe end of the world\u201d anymore.<\/p>\n

    I wouldn\u2019t have believed speaking shame<\/em> could have that kind of effect until I experienced it myself. The problem is shame is not something we talk about in our society, so speaking it is countercultural. It\u2019s not impossible; it just requires a different way of thinking about it.<\/p>\n

    Tomorrow, I\u2019ll talk more about empathy \u2013 the antidote to shame.<\/p>\n

    Source:<\/strong> Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead<\/em>. New York, New York: Gotham Books.<\/p>\n

    \"20150722_185517\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Everyone experiences shame and there is no way we can eliminate it from our lives. As Brown puts it, \u201cAs long as we care about […] Read More<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16,9,18],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1879"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1879"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1879\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1881,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1879\/revisions\/1881"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1879"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1879"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1879"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}