{"id":463,"date":"2012-02-26T12:01:38","date_gmt":"2012-02-26T18:01:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/?p=463"},"modified":"2012-02-26T12:01:38","modified_gmt":"2012-02-26T18:01:38","slug":"remembering-mike-10-years-later","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/?p=463","title":{"rendered":"Remembering Mike 10 Years Later"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
Michael Richard Fisher (September 16, 1972 - February 26, 2002)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

10 years ago today my husband passed away. 10 years ago today my world shattered.<\/p>\n

A wave of sadness washes over me as I recognize this day. I am forced to look it in the face. I don\u2019t want to re-enact the past. I don\u2019t want to remember the suffocating sorrow. I don\u2019t want to feel the fear, the panic. I don\u2019t want to think back on how reality became surreal as my mind could not process what had happened. It was so terrible.<\/p>\n

I pause\u2026and breathe. Emotions flood my soul and I acknowledge them one by one.<\/p>\n

The world has forgotten that day\u2026so long ago. Life moves on. I accept that. Actually I bury myself in that. I don\u2019t want to remember\u2026for sadness is its comrade. And there is already enough sadness in this world.<\/p>\n

The memories are there. It is not necessarily difficult to remember. I just tend to ignore the memories and carry on with \u201clife\u201d. There\u2019s less sadness that way. I want a new perspective. I want to be able to remember without the blanket of sadness that accompanies it. After all, I know with absolute certainty that Mike is in heaven with God. I know there is great joy and peace there. I know I will see him one day.<\/p>\n

But I miss him here on earth. I miss his laugh and his hugs. I miss his sense of humour. I miss the fact that David and Matthew, our sons, can\u2019t know him. But it is such a huge blessing that Leighton, their stepfather, can tell them stories of their father. I\u2019m sad that Lynae couldn\u2019t know him (although if he was still here, Lynae wouldn\u2019t even exist). I think Lynae would really like Mike and he would really like her \u2013 they both have a mischievous side to them. I miss the dreams we were never able to fulfill together, like owning our own home and travelling \u2013 we loved to travel together.<\/p>\n

Despite these things I am incredibly happy now. And maybe that\u2019s where there\u2019s a disconnect. How can I feel sadness for missing Mike when I feel happy and satisfied with my life now\u2026without him? I don\u2019t feel guilt. But it doesn\u2019t process very well in my mind. Perhaps that\u2019s why I ignore the memories and focus on the present.<\/p>\n

I believe Mike is very happy for me and the boys. He was always proud of my successes. He would be glad that we have a loving home. He would be happy that Leighton is my husband and David and Matthew\u2019s stepfather (after all he was Mike\u2019s best friend in high school).<\/p>\n

And where have I come in the last ten years? I am a different person from what I was back then. Older, wiser, more \u201cgrounded\u201d. It is our circumstances, the people in our lives, and the choices we make that shape us.<\/p>\n

I have known the peace of God that transcends understanding in the midst of intense trauma.<\/p>\n

I have come to understand the grace of God and with that comes an incredible confidence. If God\u2019s grace is ever present and undiminished in the face of my sin then fear has no hold on me. What do I have to be afraid of if grace is always there?<\/p>\n

I have less fear when relating to my children and more freedom to love them\u2026as..they..are.<\/p>\n

I know that clinging to God is the only way to keep your sanity as your world falls apart. I may not understand the \u201cwhy\u201d of my circumstances but I know God\u2019s love will never fail me.<\/p>\n

One other thing I know: if surrendered to God, He will always bring \u201clife\u201d out of death. I have so much 10 years later \u2013 in all facets of my life (physical, emotional, spiritual). God has greatly blessed me. I don\u2019t know why Mike died but I know that God didn\u2019t intend for that moment to end in despair. There is hope and I look forward to seeing Mike and swapping stories with him in eternity.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

10 years ago today my husband passed away. 10 years ago today my world shattered. A wave of sadness washes over me as I recognize […] Read More<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,6,9],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/463"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=463"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/463\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":505,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/463\/revisions\/505"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=463"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=463"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/songofjoy.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=463"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}