Broken relationships are hard to take. There is a person who at one time I considered a friend. Along the way there was a difference of opinion between the two of us. It got so bad that a few months ago, a mutual friend met with us to help us ‘hear’ each other (because we were not hearing each other at all at the point). I thought the meeting had gone well; I thought we had been able to see where the other person was coming from. We have had very little contact with each other since then. Then this past week, we talked on the phone. I was hoping that having given the situation some time to dissipate, we could begin some sort of reconciliation. That, unfortunately, will not be happening. It turns out that the meeting we had had a few months ago was not at all what I had thought it had been. I said to this person, “I thought we had been able to ‘hear’ each other.” The person’s response was that ‘no’, we had not heard each other at all. Listening to this person during our telephone conversation, I realized I am still seen as the enemy, and that this person does not believe reconciliation will ever be possible between us.
This hurts! I don’t want to be the enemy! And I feel betrayed. During our meeting of a few months ago, I believed this person was being genuine in what they were saying, but now I wonder whether they were just saying what they thought I wanted to hear. I know this person is hurting and I am largely seen as the cause of that hurt. I really want this person to be healed and set free from the things that cause pain in their life. And I realize there is absolutely nothing I can do to make things right. I cannot change this person’s opinion about me. It hurts a lot.
So what is my response in this situation? Do I keep trying for reconciliation? Or will that make matters worse, since I am seen as the enemy? Do I give up, ignore this broken relationship, and continue on with my life? I don’t like that option. Is it enough to believe that I have tried for my part to work towards reconciliation and if that is not received, I need to let it go and trust things into God’s hands? I don’t know. It sure sucks, though.
I beleive that God allows conflict and hurt to take place to test our heart. It is all about character…how are we going to repond? This is what God seeks. It would be best (I believe) for you to do what you can do to honor God and this person. I think that God really responds to the motivations of our hearts as well as our reactions. For there is where maturity and growth takes place. If your struggling, perhaps you could ask God to heal this person’s broken heart and simply talk to God about this individual/situation. Stay strong 🙂
Thanks.
Some questions:
What caused the conflict in the first place?
Obviously you recieved what you needed – why did the other person not receive what they needed?
What would reconcilation look like to you and what would it look like to them?
Do either of you have unreasonable expectations of the other one?
Do you understand what drives them and causes them to react the way they do?
Are you being manipulative – are they?
Is the cause really lost or do you only perceive it as such because of how you see the situation?
Finally and I know this one will hurt, but how much do you value reconcilation – what are you will to pay or give up to receive it. In his song Heart of Stone Steve Camp asks, “do you realise the PRICE you must pay just to one day be restored”. Do you want something that that you are unwilling to pay the price for?
Anonymous:
“What caused the conflict in the first place?” I don’t want to give specifics because it is a personal issue and I want to honor the parties involved by not going into details on-line. From my perspective, it seemed we had two opposing viewpoints concerning a particular aspect of my life.
“Obviously you received what you needed…” Why is it obvious I received what I needed? What did I need?
“why did the other person not receive what they needed?” I don’t know the answer to this question. I don’t know what the other person ‘needed’. My goal was not to fill some sort of need, but to learn to live in harmony with this person as best I could, despite our difference of opinion.
“What would reconciliation look like to you and what would it look like to them?” To me, it would be an acceptance of our difference of opinions, not letting that stand in the way of friendship. It would involve being able to forgive each other and accept forgiveness (incidentally, I thought this had happened when we met together a few months ago; I just thought we needed some time for the emotions to dissipate and then we could work towards repairing the friendship). I don’t know what reconciliation would look like for the other person. From our conversation last week, it does not appear that our meeting of a few months ago was a step towards reconciliation in this person’s mind.
“Do either of you have unreasonable expectations of the other one?” Perhaps. It’s difficult to be subjective when there are personal issues and emotions involved. My expectation would be respect for my choice of opinion even though the other person disagrees. I don’t think that is unreasonable. What do I think the other person expects of me? I think the other person wants me to change my opinion.
“Do you understand what drives them and causes them to react the way they do?” I believe this person has a very caring heart, but I also believe there is a lot of pain there. I think both are motivating factors for this person’s actions. How can understanding what causes the other person to react assist in the reconciliation process? Does the other person understand what drives me and causes me to react the way I do? I thought that was what we were doing when we met together – trying to see things from the other person’s point of view. Apparently, that did not happen then; what would change things now?
“Are you being manipulative – are they?” Why would you think manipulation is involved in this difference of opinion?
“Is the cause really lost or do you only perceive it as such because of how you see the situation?” Very rarely do I believe any cause is completely ‘lost’. I would like to see things repaired between us. But I’m feeling discouraged right now. I thought our meeting had helped the process, but it does not seem that it did, not from what I heard last week. It does not seem we can even get to the point where we can really ‘hear’ each other. I think this needs to be at the foundation of any kind of reconciliation. I just don’t know how to get there.
“Finally and I know this one will hurt…” How do you know this will hurt me?
“…how much do you value reconciliation…Do you want something that you are unwilling to pay the price for?” Do I value reconciliation? Yes. Am I willing to pay the price? What IS the price of reconciliation in this situation? Am I willing to work towards reconciliation even though the process may be painful at times? Yes. Am I willing to compromise my choice of opinion in this situation? No. I would be going against what I believe and I am not willing to do that.
“Obviously you received what you needed…” Why is it obvious I received what I needed? What did I need?
You would not have felt that reconcilation had already occured if you had not received what you wanted or needed.
“why did the other person not receive what they needed?” I don’t know the answer to this question. I don’t know what the other person ‘needed’. My goal was not to fill some sort of need, but to learn to live in harmony with this person as best I could, despite our difference of opinion.
So why are YOU not living in harmony as best as YOU can despite your difference of opinion? If they choose to hold on to pain and resentment that is not your problem.
“Do either of you have unreasonable expectations of the other one?” Perhaps. It’s difficult to be subjective when there are personal issues and emotions involved. My expectation would be respect for my choice of opinion even though the other person disagrees. I don’t think that is unreasonable. What do I think the other person expects of me? I think the other person wants me to change my opinion.
It is possible that they want you to change your opinion or it may be that they believe you have unrealisitic expections regarding what reconcilation will entail or finally look like.
“Do you understand what drives them and causes them to react the way they do?” I believe this person has a very caring heart, but I also believe there is a lot of pain there. I think both are motivating factors for this person’s actions. How can understanding what causes the other person to react assist in the reconciliation process? Does the other person understand what drives me and causes me to react the way I do? I thought that was what we were doing when we met together – trying to see things from the other person’s point of view. Apparently, that did not happen then; what would change things now?
Did you go into the meeting honestly looking to see their needs met or were you more concerned with achieving enough harmony to make yourself feel good?
“Finally and I know this one will hurt…” How do you know this will hurt me?
Simple, you have an earlier post regarding how you grew-up in a home where everything had a price and how that bothers you and how hard you are working to escape the bondage that put you in.
“…how much do you value reconciliation…Do you want something that you are unwilling to pay the price for?” Do I value reconciliation? Yes. Am I willing to pay the price? What IS the price of reconciliation in this situation? Am I willing to work towards reconciliation even though the process may be painful at times? Yes. Am I willing to compromise my choice of opinion in this situation? No. I would be going against what I believe and I am not willing to do that.
If the other person is holding out for you to compromise your choice of opinion then one of you is probably being unrealistic. And if that is the price of reconciliation you have clearly stated that you are willing to pay it.
Anonymous:
I don’t know if you’re hearing my heart in regards to this whole situation. It seems that you are making some assumptions when you do not know all the details and factors surrounding the situation.
I believe reconciliation is a process; it does not happen overnight. I did not believe the meeting I had a few months ago equalled reconciliation. I was hoping we would be able to ‘hear’ each other and as I said, I believe that this needs to be at the foundation of any reconciliation process. If the parties involved cannot appreciate the other’s point of view, then how is reconciliation possible?
What does it mean to live in harmony with our brothers and sisters in Christ? We are always going to have differences of opinions. How do we learn to accept each other despite our differences?
You wrote: “If they choose to hold on to pain and resentment that is not your problem.” I agree and disagree with this statement. It is not my problem in the sense that I cannot change the other person. But it is my problem in the sense that we are a community of believers. If one is hurting, we all suffer.
“Did you go into the meeting honestly looking to see their needs met or were you more concerned with achieving enough harmony to make yourself feel good?” I don’t know why you think the process of reconciliation is about getting needs met. And it was not about making myself feel good. My desire was to come to a place where we could understand each other’s point of view, and so begin to repair the broken relationship.
You believed you knew your statement about the price of reconciliation would hurt me because I had posted earlier about growing up with things that were given to me having a price. We are talking about two completely different things. In fact, your statement did not hurt me. Jesus said to count the cost of following him (Luke 14:25-33). Even though I do not understand fully what the ‘cost’ is, I understand that there are times when suffering and pain are involved, but I also know that it is worth it to go through those things, because God is building more of Himself in me through those circumstances. I am not afraid to face the process of reconciliation, though it may be painful. I know who my Healer is.
But like I said in my original post, I don’t have the answers regarding this situation. My heart’s desire is for this broken relationship to be mended. Human reasoning is not going to cut it here. God is the only one who will be able to mend this. I need to hear His heart and follow His direction in this instance.
With that said….NEXT POST!!!
I see you have an ‘anonymous’ as well. Nathan said a good thing on my blog to encourage my anonymous to find an alias or something, can’t remember it exactly, but you may want to cut and paste it over here.
‘Anonymous’ you have some good insights here but in the blogging world ‘anonymous’ gives you less credibility than if you used an alias like CWG does or supplying an e-mail address. Just good form to take responsibility for your words.