A psalm of Carol

My heart is a fortress.  Within its bowels are kept

     my darkest thoughts; within its battlements my pain, my agony,

          my guilt. 

Hard as rock, impenetrable.  No one enters and

     nothing escapes.  I stand outside and am numb.  I feel nothing.

A hard heart, believing that nothing will touch me here,

     safe inside my fortress. 

A deceived heart, feeling all the pain but

     never looking it in the eye. 

And so I pretend.  Everything is ‘fine’.

 

Love… love given, with rejection and abuse

     flung back in return. 

It is too painful to love!  Calloused in order to survive. 

     I cannot receive nor can I give.  What a wretched soul am I! 

You, Oh God, have blasted my defenses.  You have cracked my battlements. 

     The pain is creeping up from the depths and now I must face what’s inside.

Dark thoughts swirl across my mind.  There is no hope.  There is no strength. 

     Sadness, deep sadness consumes me. 

This life is too hard.  I cannot bear it.

 

Must I walk this dark path alone?  Where despair lurks

     in the shadows and fear stalks my footsteps. 

Where are you God?  Sorrow and guilt are my companions. 

     Alone with my thoughts, I will be destroyed.

 

Remember…remember.  The Lord is faithful and true. 

     He will not abandon me to the darkness of my soul. 

          He leads me into the Light. 

     Though I am blinded by it, I will be healed. 

My soul is flooded with light and I

     shrink from its revealing power.  Afraid…afraid of being exposed. 

          I am naked before you, God, and I am afraid.

Yet I will remember your mercy and love for me. 

     Though I am afraid I will trust.  I will not shrink

          from the Light. 

I will believe your love is greater than

     my despair.  You, Oh God, will lead me. 

I will bask in the radiance of your love

     and will radiate your love to others. 

I will be

     ‘song of joy’

          once again.