My heart is a fortress. Within its bowels are kept
my darkest thoughts; within its battlements my pain, my agony,
my guilt.
Hard as rock, impenetrable. No one enters and
nothing escapes. I stand outside and am numb. I feel nothing.
A hard heart, believing that nothing will touch me here,
safe inside my fortress.
A deceived heart, feeling all the pain but
never looking it in the eye.
And so I pretend. Everything is ‘fine’.
Love… love given, with rejection and abuse
flung back in return.
It is too painful to love! Calloused in order to survive.
I cannot receive nor can I give. What a wretched soul am I!
You, Oh God, have blasted my defenses. You have cracked my battlements.
The pain is creeping up from the depths and now I must face what’s inside.
Dark thoughts swirl across my mind. There is no hope. There is no strength.
Sadness, deep sadness consumes me.
This life is too hard. I cannot bear it.
Must I walk this dark path alone? Where despair lurks
in the shadows and fear stalks my footsteps.
Where are you God? Sorrow and guilt are my companions.
Alone with my thoughts, I will be destroyed.
Remember…remember. The Lord is faithful and true.
He will not abandon me to the darkness of my soul.
He leads me into the Light.
Though I am blinded by it, I will be healed.
My soul is flooded with light and I
shrink from its revealing power. Afraid…afraid of being exposed.
I am naked before you, God, and I am afraid.
Yet I will remember your mercy and love for me.
Though I am afraid I will trust. I will not shrink
from the Light.
I will believe your love is greater than
my despair. You, Oh God, will lead me.
I will bask in the radiance of your love
and will radiate your love to others.
I will be
‘song of joy’
once again.