Dear Meeting Planner:

I found this as I was cleaning out my desk today. If any of you have ever worked in the hospitality industry, especially with meetings or conferences, have a good laugh. For those of you who haven’t, this may seem a little extreme, but believe me… it is not that far from the truth!

Dear Meeting Planner:

I am a convention services manager. I have unlimited resources at my disposal. I always keep at least ten meeting rooms under my desk and it is a policy here to automatically make reservations and tee times for your Board of Directors when you sign a contract.

I can make any of my meeting rooms larger or smaller, depending on your needs. I will naturally remove any supporting pillars from your meeting space and will install windows in every room as needed. The “ocean view” is not scheduled to arrive until the second day of your program and for this I sincerely apologize. We will, however, move the Hotel two feet to the left to accommodate your request by the end of your general session today. I can only throw myself at your mercy and grovel at your feet.

I completely agree that it is inconceivable that we should have any other groups booked into this Hotel during the program. The additional breakout rooms that you added this morning should be built no later than Wednesday.

Naturally, it will be no problem to turn your session for 800 persons into a hollow square for 150 with rear view projection, simultaneous Japanese translation, and satellite hook-up during your fifteen minute coffee break.

Unfortunately, due to space constraints and the fact that your final program bears no resemblance whatsoever to your contracted space, we will have to suspend your lunch buffet from the ceiling above your session and suck the gravity out of the Ballroom.

We have located the boxes that you sent last month, under your mother’s maiden name, at the Hotel down the street, and again our apologies for not having found them sooner.

In answer to all your questions, it is, of course, understood that I am aware of all your speaker’s requirements and will set up an overhead, LCD projector, dual slide projectors, two screens, a laser printer, podium and mic, two table mics, six aisle mics, a head table, and red and blue M & M’s in each room at no charge, just in case you need them. We will automatically adjust the temperature in every room every fifteen minutes.

It goes without saying that an AV tech., engineer, babysitter, and myself will be underneath your head table during the duration of your event just in case you need anything else. It has been great working with you and I can’t wait to see you again… really!

Forever yours,

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