On weakness:
I don’t like to appear ‘weak’. I highly value strength and self-sufficiency. Even though being a single parent wasn’t easy, I take pride in the fact that I was able to provide for my family and manage my household for the last 3 1/2 years. It’s very difficult for me to admit when I am in need or to ask or receive help. This comes from a drive to prove myself. I’m just beginning to realize that this need to prove myself runs very deep. It’s so deep, that often I only realize after the fact that what I just did was to prove myself. What am I trying to prove? I’m not even exactly sure. It probably has to do with needing to prove that I am ‘good enough’. I think it’s going to take a while for the Lord to bring all of what’s behind this to the surface; I feel like the process has just begin. I know I certainly do not want to continue operating like this.
On neediness:
In my journey over the past few years, I realized how incredibly needy I had been emotionally towards my late husband. It was not a healthy form of neediness. I don’t want to go back there again and so I am paranoid that if I appear needy to my husband, I will fall back into my old ways. That’s another reason why it’s hard for me to admit my need.
I do believe something very strongly, though. I do not ‘need’ man to take care of me or fix my problems. I need God! He is the One who has promised to supply ALL my needs (not man). Think about all the widows and single parents out there. Are they any less cared for because they do not have a husband? Although everyone’s circumstances are going to be different, I don’t believe that God gives them any less just because they are not married. HE is our sufficiency. But in my case, God has given my husband to me as a gift. That’s how God wants to take care of some of my needs. I just need to accept that and give myself permission to be weak to my husband because that’s one of the reasons God has given him to me.
Thank you for sharing your heart. I love how open you are. I keep thinking that “when we are weak then we are strong” Pride verses humility….
I love your heart. Keep pressing toward the prize!
Admitting that you ARE weak and needy is a really good first step. Cause all of us are at some point or another. From my own experience, if we think we aren’s weak and needy God seems to bring something along that shows us that we are.
I’m also learning what a blessing it is to need and be needed by my family and the community that I am in. It is a good thing to belong just for who I am and not for what I can do (read ‘strong’ and ‘capable’). You’re on a good journey, carry on!!
Been reading your blog for a couple weeks now. Congrats on your marriage. I am orignally from PA (born in S’toon) so things from home always interest me.
Anyway I thought your entry to be so important. I have many friends who are single parents mostly because of divorce, my heart aches for them and prays for the day when they realize that their needs can be filled by a loving and caring Father to them and to their children. Thanks for sharing this from your point of view.