I’ve been doing lots of reading lately. Most recently I’ve read The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd and Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I’ve been more watchful for beauty and goodness. Life has been overwhelming at times over the last few months. My cup has been full and I’ve been looking for ways to drain my cup of the overwhelming stuff and replace that with things which provide more of a sense of peace and stability.
It hasn’t been as if I’ve made a ‘plan’ and been very deliberate about this – I don’t think I’d have the energy to do that even if I’d wanted to. It’s been more about being conscious of my own personal state of being and taking steps to ‘honour’ where I’m at. It’s still very much a learning process for me, but some of the things I’ve done are: taking breaks from people/relationships that drain me more than energize me; seeking out those friendships that do energize me and spending time there; taking more time for myself (even if it’s only for short periods of time); recognizing when I just need some ‘space’ and being ok with that (by the way, it is such a blessing to have a husband who honours where I’m at – he’s the one encouraging me to take time out for myself while I’m still learning to give myself permission for such things).
Reading books has been good for me, too. In The Secret Life of Bees I experienced powerful themes of unconditional love, acceptance, and learning to forgive oneself. In Perks of Being a Wallflower I experienced the agony of adolescence and trying to ‘figure out’ oneself and one’s relationship to the world. I think it’s important for us to recognize our frailty and our strength. We are not invincible, although we often behave as if we are, expecting ourselves to ‘keep on trucking’ even when the best thing for us would be to rest. Conversely, we need to recognize our resilience in the midst of adversity. We are capable of much good and beauty even when we don’t feel like we ‘have it all together’. We need to ‘give ourselves a break’.
I know that my expectations of myself run way too high but it’s hard to let go of those things, although I know it would be better for me if I did. How do I know that? Because I’ve let go of some of my expectations and the world hasn’t caved it, I have more peace with myself, and I think the relationships around me are better for it as well. And why do I hang on? I think it’s always provided a sense of security (albeit false security) against shame – if I am ‘perfect’ I will be protected against feelings of not been ‘good enough’. If I can prove I’m good enough then I must be good enough. The elusive truth is that I am already enough, apart from my ‘performance’. It is a message that has been coming at me from various angles and mediums over the last year and I have been slowly, often reluctantly, recognizing the truth of it.
But does it ever make a difference when I do recognize the truth of it! It’s about learning to love myself – having grace for and truly loving myself, and not putting conditions on my worth. How much better I feel and think about myself! And how much more freedom I have to truly live! I’m not wasting my time to ‘beat myself up’ which doesn’t change my behaviour (rather it paralyzes me) and only makes me feel worse.
So although these past few months have been difficult, at a certain level I have more peace and contentment within myself. There are still days where I am emotionally overwhelmed but I’m learning to accept myself in the chaos and discomfort. It’s been good to write these things down and remind myself once again of the beauty of the journey that is my life.
May you continue to experience Grace as you walk this path of accepting who you are. I can relate on so many levels! 🙂