We all have expectations. It’s how we function. It’s what gives us a sense of security in this world. I ‘expect’ to wake up in the morning; I ‘expect’ the water to run and my car to start. I have expectations in the mundane, ordinary things of life. And I have expectations when it comes to the relationships I have with others. Depending on the person and the position, the expectations will be different but there will be expectations nonetheless.
These expectations aren’t usually ‘bad’ in and of themselves. I think it’s healthy to have expectations. We’d probably go crazy if we had no expectations at all. But what do you do when those expectations aren’t met? When it comes to inanimate things like a car not starting or water mysteriously not coming out of my taps, my initial reaction is usually one of frustration or annoyance. But after that passes I get down to addressing the situation. Maybe my car needs a boost or I need to call the City about my water issue.
When it comes to human relationships, things can be more complicated (and they usually are). I cannot control or change how another human being acts (the only person I can change is me). And there are other factors that come into play. The individual can have very deep-rooted ways of functioning in their world and it may be extremely difficult to change those ways. Even if the individual desires change, in my experience this only happens over time.
To further complicate matters I find that I’m not generally aware of the expectations I have in a relationship…until those expectations are not being met. And even then I’m not usually thinking to myself, “Hmm…this person isn’t meeting my expectations; let’s have a discussion about this.” My internal radar is not rational thought. No, it’s my emotions! I feel sad, I feel annoyed, I feel frustrated, I feel angry, I feel disappointed. And depending on what kind of relationship I have with the person, I may or may not articulate this.
When it comes to those I am close to and feel ‘safe’ with like my husband and my children I can usually speak up but even then there are times when I’m ‘feeling’ something but I don’t say anything. For example, it took me a long time to finally tell my family that I felt frustrated when they would leave the table immediately after supper and I would be left cleaning up by myself. Once I brought this up, my husband was quick to make a change and now I am very rarely left cleaning up by myself. Why didn’t I say something right away? Maybe I thought the issue would resolve itself. Maybe I wasn’t conscious of my frustration (and unmet expectation) until it had been going on for a while. Maybe I didn’t think I should make a big deal about a seemingly small concern.
Yet those unmet (unconscious) expectations can lead to resentment if left unaddressed. This has happened to me in the past and I have been challenged once again this week regarding this. You see, I don’t like suffering and I want to help people. When I am in relationship with someone I care about who seemingly is harming themselves I feel sad and I want them to ‘get better’. It may seem obvious to me that if they would just change their actions and/or attitude they would experience life in a much better way. And when these people don’t appear to be making any moves in this direction I start to feel frustrated. Why are they doing things to make life worse for themselves? My expectation is that the person would work towards changing their behavior/attitude to stop bringing harm to themselves. When this doesn’t happen, over time, my frustration morphs into resentment. I resent them for harming themselves while all I can do is continue to watch them suffer (enter: ‘not liking suffering’ and ‘not being able to help’ part).
I didn’t say this necessarily makes sense. And as I’ve mentioned above, people can have deep-rooted (and unhealthy) ways of functioning in this world. It may be that they are unable to change their ways. Or perhaps they aren’t aware of what needs to change (although it may seem obvious to me). Or perhaps they don’t think what they’re doing is bringing harm to themselves (maybe that’s only my interpretation of the situation). However, this has not stopped resentment from creeping into my heart.
When I finally ‘clue in’ to the cause of my angst, it’s best for me to re-evaluate the relationship (or my resentment will grow and eventually there won’t be any relationship left). What expectations aren’t being met? Are these valid expectations? Should I ‘let go’ of these expectations? Is having them met key to the relationship or will it survive without them? Should I discuss this with the person or will it make matters worse if I do?
Every situation and relationship is unique and I have had different answers to these questions at different times. There are times when I realize the expectation is not a hill worth dying on and I let it go (i.e., expecting my children to close the kitchen cupboards). There are times when I feel the freedom to bring up the issue and positive change is the result (i.e., clearing the table after supper). There are also times when I’ve brought up the issue and no change has happened or the situation has even deteriorated. I’ve had to re-evaluate my expectations once again. There are times when I recognize that the other person is not going to change (in the way I ‘expect’ them to), that I value the relationship despite this fact, and so I choose to let go of these expectations. It can be very freeing to ‘let a person go’ in this way. Without the unmet expectations the resentment disappears. I am free to accept and love this person for who they are, warts and all (and not for the person I ‘expect’ them to be). This can also be the hardest thing to give up (because I really don’t like suffering and I want people to ‘get better’). There are times when having the expectation met is key to the relationship (a healthy one, at least) and I have chosen to completely remove myself from that relationship. Again, this has not been easy, but necessary nonetheless.
It all comes down to expectations. So much of what I experience is influenced by my expectations. Often the frustrations I have in relationships comes down to just this. As much as I’d like to blame the other person for my issues, it often means I’m the one that needs to change.