This post goes out in particular to my friends who are parents of children still at home.
Get some space.
What I mean is, take time (and space) where you can be by yourself without interruptions, without being ‘on call’. Take a break.
What does one do while ‘taking a break’? The things you love to do, the things that relax you, the things that recharge you. Sometimes I think it is a way of feeling ‘human’ again.
There is so much that grabs for our attention, our time, our energy. I feel this most acutely as a mom. Sometimes it feels all that I hear in a day is ‘Mom? Mom? Mom! Where’s mom?’ It can get wearing after a while. Even when I’m trying to ‘hide’ for 5 minutes in the bathroom somehow they hunt me down: ‘Mom, are you in there?’
It has taken me a number of years to truly understand and appreciate the importance of this. I used to think it was selfish of me to want time for myself, that somehow that would be unfair to my family. In reality, it is unfair to my family NOT to take time out for myself. When I don’t take a break I become increasingly more irritable and resentful and I have a lot less patience and energy.
I wouldn’t have learned this valuable lesson without my husband. My husband had been a bachelor for a few years before we got married. And when he married me he got two young boys as part of the package. He was used to having time to himself so he would head out of the house a couple of times a month. And he would retreat to the cabin for a weekend once or twice a year. I was never resentful of this because it was good for him. After a number of months I started thinking that maybe it would be good for me too. When I mentioned this to my husband he was enthusiastic in his support: ‘Of course! I get time to myself; it’s only fair that you do too.’
And it was wonderful! I read, I journalled, I blogged, I went for walks, I sat in coffee shops, I soaked in the tub. And when I would take this time I would feel better and more able (and willing) to give everyone my time and energy.
There were still moments when I would feel a twinge of guilt for ‘running away’ but I recognized that this was a good thing…for me and everyone else. It became a ‘normal’ part of my life. I took time for myself a couple of times a month. I even once stayed in a hotel by myself for a weekend, which was awesome!
Then I had a wake-up call a few years ago when chatting with some friends (all moms). They had never been away from their children for even one night. And it’s not like they were opposed to the idea. They had just never done it. So I organized a women’s retreat – we rented a huge beautiful cabin at a lake and stayed there for a weekend, with not really any agenda but to relax and recharge. This year a friend and I took off on the May long weekend to get away from our families and recharge. She said it was the most rejuvenating weekend she had ever had.
Over and over I see this idea that it’s important to take time for ourselves being reinforced. The benefits are well worth the time taken.
I recognize that we’re all in different circumstances and at different seasons in our lives. Taking time for oneself will be easier for some than for others. But I believe it CAN be done. Be intentional about it. I know often I have to schedule things in or they will never happen. Be creative. Tap into whatever resources you can. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a large chunk of time – maybe an hour or two once or twice a month is all you can do right now. Or maybe it’s 20 minutes a day. Just because it may not be as much time as you would like does not mean you should wait and put it off for later. And be sure not to fill up your time with activities that don’t relax or recharge you (I’ve gotten caught in this trap). This is YOUR time, not anyone else’s. Enjoy it!
I cannot stress enough how important this is. And it’s not just important for the introverts (like me). Extroverts need this time too (my husband is an extrovert). Yet it seems in my experience too few of us do this with any regularity. And we feel worn out, weary, overwhelmed… I don’t think getting some space is the cure but I sure do believe it helps.