I think a part of being human is that we tell stories. We tell stories to others and we tell stories to ourselves. The stories we tell are subjective; other people will have different perspectives and each will tell a different story of the same situation. Our stories are influenced by what we have experienced in the world and how we have interpreted those experiences.
I was thinking about this after spending some time with my daughter this evening. She is learning to read and had some homework, a story, to read to me. At times she finds learning to read overwhelming and she tells herself tales, such as “I’ll never learn to read” and “I can’t do it”. This evening was one of those times. Now, none of these tales are true. My daughter continues to improve in her reading and she has learned many new words over the past year. And yet she tells herself these things, things which are not true. I named it for her this evening. I told her she has learned new words that I didn’t even know she knew. So when she says, “I’ll never learn to read,” she is lying to herself. When I put it this way, she laughed and thought it was funny.
And it got me thinking. I know exactly how my daughter feels. There have been times when I’ve told myself, “I’ll never be able to do it” and “I’m the worst failure ever” and so on and so on. I tell myself tales, tales which are not true. Why do we do this to ourselves? I don’t really know the answer. Is it an attempt to protect ourselves against the threat of rejection from others (if I condemn myself first, it won’t hurt so bad when someone else does it)? I don’t know.
I do know that I don’t lie to myself as often now as I used to. I am more ‘comfortable’ with who I am (warts and all) and so am less likely to condemn myself and think the worst in a situation. I know there is grace and I don’t have to be ‘perfect’. I can ‘let myself off the hook’ when I make mistakes. Maybe I’ve learned to tell myself different stories. Stories that say, “So I made a mistake – it’s not the end of the world” and “This doesn’t change my acceptance of myself and the fact that I am loved”.
It’s hard to revise the tales we tell ourselves but it can be done. Though it takes time, it is possible. Not through fear and striving to change the tapes in our minds. But through love and grace, through the acceptance of ourselves.