I’ve been asked this question a lot since my daughter was born in November.  So far she’s not that much different than a baby boy. She eats, she sleeps, she smiles. She looks like a baby, which means at this point she could pass as a girl or a boy. The only thing that’s different so far is what you do when you’re changing her diaper. So to answer the title of this post, “I don’t know. I’ve never had a girl before.”Â
I find myself paying more attention to little girls now. I’ve been asking myself questions like ‘What are they like?’ ‘What do they do?’ ‘How do they act?’ It seems ironic that I’m wondering what little girls are like considering that I was once a little girl. I liked to play with dolls and I liked to explore and build forts and houses out of old appliance boxes. But as I grew I became less and less like a little girl and tried to be more and more like a boy. I was trying to live up to expectations I perceived my father had of me. I thought he wanted a boy so I tried to be like one.
When Lynae was born, people seemed genuinely happy for me that I had a little girl. I didn’t really know what to feel. I would have been happy with a boy or a girl. I never want a child to feel that their parents had wished they had been something else – a tender spot for me considering what I felt when I was growing up.Â
I’ve been trying to envision life with a little girl. I think it’s going to be good for me. I think I’m going to be able to catch a glimpse of what childhood would have been like for me if I had felt free to be who I really was. I don’t want to force my daughter to live up some unfulfilled dream of mine. I just want to be able to experience girlhood with her and to be able to see it again through her eyes. I also think it’s going to be hard for me at times. I’ll probably be forced to face some things that have long been buried as a result of repressing my femininity when I was young. But regardless of that, I’m looking forward to life with our newest addition. She truly is a blessing and I am blessed to be her mom.
Thanks for this post Carol. I’m going to come back and read it the next time I am pregnant and longing for that girl. I’ve never really thought about how it would feel to know you weren’t your parents first choice…
aw…..I know what you mean. It wasn’t hard for me to be girly with Jonah, it was easy. Having only her around for so long, I got quite comfortable in my girl bubble. When we got pregnant I was like, Ah! What if it’s a boy? What am I gonna do with a boy? I don’t play boy! hehe….sigh….but about half way through the pregnancy God started giving me peace. I started being drawn to boys, I would watch them too, and watch how they’d act and what they’d be wearing. I found myself falling in love with boys. I still have no idea what I’m gonna do when Daniel starts “acting” like a boy and not just a baby…. but I know it’ll be super fun.
People used to say the same thing, “that’s soooo good that you had a boy….now you have a girl AND a boy, you must be all done!” sheesh….
Don’t worry, you will do totally fine! God will work through the missing pieces and put them all together for little Lynae.
By the way, I have to side with your hubby on the bed making thing…..I’m so sorry!!!!! I’m a traiter to my own people…..
NIN!!!
You’ll be a bed maker someday, and you’ll regret giving leighton fuel to his fire!!!
For now, I’ll let it slide, since you just had a baby….
I loved your heart in this post Carol!