The Explosive Child

On Friday, my husband and I attended a seminar given by Dr. Ross Greene, the author of the book The Explosive Child. I own the book and have read it a couple of times but hearing the author speak shed new light on the topic. The basic premise of what he was talking about is that children will do well IF THEY CAN. Just as there are kids who lack certain skills in order to read, there are kids who lack certain skills required in social situations that many children naturally develop. These kids might be diagnosed with ADHD or Oppositional-Defiant Disorder or Aspberger’s or a variety of other disorders. The fact still remains that they are lacking certain skills that make it difficult for them to respond appropriately in situations that demand those skills.

In response to this, Dr. Greene has developed the Collaborative Problem Solving approach. This is a way of helping those kids learn the skills they need to better function socially and behaviorally.

Part of Dr. Green’s talk was spent laying out the arguments for and against a Rewards & Punishments system in order to motivate these kids. If a child is lacking a particular social skill, giving them a punishment when they behave badly is not going to teach them the skill they need in order to respond more appropriately the next time.

Besides not being able to teach skills, the Rewards & Punishments system teaches children that “might makes right”. With a big enough external motivator (punishment), kids will be forced to comply. There is no opportunity to dialogue and work together towards a solution.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what this system communicates to our kids. It communicates that it is acceptable to make people do what we want them to; that with enough ‘might’ we can force our will upon others.

There is also no grace in a Rewards & Punishments system. If you do something wrong, you are punished. I have been thinking that the problem with people’s lack of understanding of God’s grace comes from the message the church preaches (which I still think is a part of it), but now I’m seeing that the Rewards & Punishments system accepted by our society in its very nature makes it difficult to understand grace.

Which leads me to my son. He’s been having great difficulty at school lately. He already knows right from wrong but when he gets to the point of frustration where he can’t think anymore all of that knowledge goes out the window. If he’s feeling that things are out of his control, he tries to take back control and sometimes uses force to try to do it (hmm…I wonder what system he learned that from?). And when he calms down after ‘losing it’ he is very hard on himself which is not helping his self-worth. But if we punish him every time he loses it, how can he learn to accept himself? All it’s telling him is that he is a horrible person because he can’t behave appropriately.

I’ve definitely been rethinking things. My husband and I both want our son to be able to learn the skills he lacks and to learn how to love himself. We’re going to be changing some things to help our son. And it looks like this new approach will better align our lives with the gospel of grace. I like the sounds of that.

Having gone to the seminar on Friday, it seems like the lenses of my sight have been re-adjusted and I can see things more clearly now. After two extremely difficult weeks, I have hope again.