I admit that I do not have a very high sense of my worth. And I don’t understand why. I can recognize that I was brought up in an environment that did not communicate a sense of worth to me. But that was years ago. I can read the Bible and understand mentally what it says, but it does not penetrate my heart. “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1 John 3:1). “But I lavish my love on those who love me and obey my commands, even for a thousand generations.” (Deuteronomy 5:10). I looked up the word ‘lavish’: to extend or bestow with profusion (‘profusion’ means lavish expenditure, extravagance). It would seem I have great worth in God’s eyes.
So why can’t I grasp this? What keeps me from knowing and understanding the truth? I desperately want to know and understand my worth, but something (and I don’t know what) keeps me from believing. I was chatting with a friend last night and we are both driven by a need to be perfect; we both have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. It’s like I think I have to earn God’s love and acceptance and I can’t understand that I already have it.
Someone ‘lavished’ on me today. He thought I could use a pick-me-up. I was in awe because I do not believe I am worth being ‘lavished’ upon. Technically, I know that’s a lie, but I live as if it were true. God’s love is so much greater than what I received today. Why can’t I understand this? It’s frustating, but God is faithful. His desire is for me to be free of this lie. So someday, by His power, I will be free.