Been thinking about all sorts of things about the church and people lately. The perspectives I once had about ‘church’ are shifting. It’s kind of like changing out of some old clothes and trying to figure out what the new ones look like, how they fit, how they feel. I’m not sure how I fit into the whole scheme of things in God’s kingdom anymore. I once thought I was so strongly connected to my church family that nothing would be able to pull me away from it. But I was very much a ‘follower’ who did very little (if any) discerning or testing of what was being presented to me. (‘Presented to me….’ – I’ve got thoughts about the whole structure thing, too, but that will have to wait until another time.)
But now I am testing and weighing things a lot more than I used to. I don’t always agree with what’s being said, with people’s points of view. My husband used to come home from church and be questioning all sorts of stuff and feeling quite frustrated and discouraged about the whole thing. And I used to be very uncomfortable with that (“don’t rock the boat”). Now I find myself f0llowing in his footsteps in some ways.
I’m also part of a second community of faith and seeing some positive points in it, too. It’s not that I don’t love the people in my first church. I love them very much and that is perhaps why I’m finding this to be a bit of a difficult time right now. I think I’m finding my voice. But is my ‘voice’ in harmony with the rest of the choir? I don’t know. I feel so disconnected with my first church. I long for depth in those relationships but the church structure on Sunday mornings doesn’t really faciliate that. And we’re all busy with our lives. How can these relationships grow and develop? How can I stop the ‘drifting apart’ that I’m feeling?
I’m rambling and probably not making a lot of sense. I don’t have all my thoughts sorted out in my mind. I guess that’s what this blogging space is here for – to sort things out sometimes.
Food for thought:
– When you grow up in a family you do things as a family. You grow up having friends over to your house to play, you have sleep over’s etc. When it comes to family time the friends usually go home so the family can be together. When you go on family vacations you go as a family. I believe that the time will come where you will need to choose which family you are going on vacation with. If church one is going to Disneyland and Church two is going to Disneyworld, you will need to choose which family you are a part of. Unfortunately you can’t go with both. also, “friends” of families don’t go on family vacations.
– I guess the question is this “Who is your spiritual family?” “Who are your spiritual parents?”
Questions aren’t a bad thing. Who we ask the questions of is critical. Are we asking people who will feed disatisfaction and unrest or are we asking the One who holds the answers to all the questions? People will undoubtedly fail us, because people are human and faulty at best. What I hear underlying the pondering are deeper questions of “Am I loved?”, “Am I worthy?”, “Where do I fit?”, “Where am I secure?” Those questions have to be answered by God. I remember vividly having my pastor sit down and look me in the eye and tell me that I needed to have those questions answered by God alone because no one else can ever satisfy those questions. It was shocking, because I like the affirmation of man (and there’s nothing wrong with needing human affirmation) but I realized that I was using that to measure my worth, value, effectiveness and connectedness. I’d like to quote Jan Silvious (author and speaker) who said, “What would happen if we assumed that everyone loved us and left it up to them to prove otherwise? Then we would be free to love people and forget about ourselves.”
What you need to ask yourself is what are the answers to those questions. When you hear from God on those issues (and that process generally needs to be repeated and reinforced from time to time) then we can ask the questions of ‘where do you want me?’ Where can I serve the kingdom of God best? Where is it that I will be walking in obedience and authority to God?
I agree completely with what CWG has already said.
I love you sister and will pray for you as you wade through this.
Hey Carol, I don’t need to say any thing being cwg & flowerlady have said enough and I’m in total agreement with them. But I did want to let you know that I’m manting to be there as your sis in christ to pray and walk with you as you go though this time.
love ya,
cwg’s wife
cwg:
I don’t agree with your analogy, and I don’t understand why a line has to be drawn in the sand, a ‘either its us or them’ mentality. Let me paint this from a slightly different perspective. If I was part of a para-church organization, let’s say Campus Crusade for Christ, for example. I might experience a lot of the things that one would experience in a regular church (one on one relationships, praying for one another, accountability, etc). But no one would ever tell me that I couldn’t be part of that para-church organization and my first church at the same time, that I would have to choose either one or the other. Aren’t we all ‘one’ in Christ? Aren’t we all running the same race, seeking the same goal? Why should two different groups in the body of Christ be perceived as at odds with one another?
I don’t think that CWG was saying that the two are at odds with one another but that at some point you have to decide what ‘house’ you live in, who your primary relationships are going to be, where will you be held accountable and to what level. I’m reminded of my nieces and nephew who are split between mom’s house and dad’s house. They are constantly on the move and don’t have a place to call ‘home’, there is nothing very stable about their lives and they are constantly having to shift between mom’s rules and dad’s rules. It’s very confusing for them (and hard on the parents because of the communication difficulty). If our primary needs are, 1. a need for security, 2. a need for significance and 3. a need for strength (these are the primary basic psychological needs that every human has – layman’s terms, we need love, purpose and hope) we need to understand where these will be derived from. Stability, truth and grace help to build those things in every human heart. Shared allegiance is robbing my niece and nephew of that – not because their parents don’t love them, not because they don’t love their parents. Because they lack ‘home’ and ‘consistent family’. If you decide that church2 is where your family needs to be then I will bless you in that and will not stop loving you and being your friend. However, your post suggests that you are divided and that isn’t healthy for you or your kids.