This past year has not been an easy road for me. And it doesn’t appear to be getting any easier. I know God is using this time to root out some deep stuff in me that needs to go as He continues to shape my character.
He’s beginning to remind me of the dreams I once dreamed, what seemed a long, long time ago. The dreams I dreamed when I was young, naive, idealistic. The dreams I dreamed before the reality of life and poor choices laid waste to those dreams. You see, I used to believe that God had an express plan for me, specially designed for me, a plan in which He would use me to touch the world for His Kingdom. Do I dream too big? Perhaps. But it does not mean it is impossible for God.
But when the things I had put my hopes in fell apart, I stopped dreaming those dreams. I was so messed up, how could God possibly use me? I just needed to survive, forget about being used in God’s kingdom. Yet, in the midst of the turmoil of this past year, God is stirring up those longings once again. Deep inside I cry out, “There’s more to it than just surviving. I’m not on this planet for no reason at all. God does have a purpose for me.” The perfectionistic nature in me would tell me that I’m not good enough to be used. But my soul and spirit are railing against that thought. I refuse to believe the thought that God would not take me as I am and somehow use me to touch lives and bring glory to His name.
And so I press on. I have no idea what God has planned, but I know He does have a plan!