I’ve had a few days of ‘no responsibility’, a few days of the truly bachelor life. It was nice. Wednesday evening, I sat in my hotel room and read the newspaper for probably close to an hour. It was so nice just to sit and read, with no interruptions, no having to feed someone or put someone to bed, or deal with some altercation.
I guess there’s a lot of things I miss with the fact I’m a single mom. I don’t think about them too much, because I think if I did, I could get really frustrated and bitter. But in the same way, its probably not a bad idea to visit the things I sacrifice in doing what I do, because then I can appreciate the position I’m in and take pride in the fact that for the most part I’m doing a good job, and that not everyone would survive (and in fact, thrive) faced with the circumstances I’ve been given.
I write this and wonder if I’m tooting my own horn, but you know what? I tend to undervalue myself a lot! And I’m really proud of the fact that I have walked through these past three years and am actually ‘thriving’. God has done an amazing thing in me, but I had to make the choice to follow Him within this circumstance. During my training course this week, we had to do an exercise about what we thought about ourselves. One of the questions was “What do you consider to be your greatest accomplishment?” My response was instant: my greatest accomplishment is facing the sudden death of my husband and managing my life, my kids, and my finances on my own.
I think I take for granted what I do. I assume anyone could do it. Leighton took on the role of ‘single dad’ while I was in Calgary this week. And he did an awesome job! My kids love him so much. I wish I could have been there to see Matthew when Leighton dropped him off at the daycare and Matthew said (with much pride): “This is Leighton. He’s going to be my new dad.” But Leighton would not want my life for an extended period of time. He told me that a person gives up their life to take care of those kids. And its true. I have very little time for myself. But it’s something I do because I love my kids. They only have me. And I want to give as much as I can to ensure they grow up healthy and cared for.
All that will be changing come this summer when we get married (and by the way, after getting these ‘taste tests’ of ‘dad’, my boys cannot wait until Leighton can ‘move in with us’). I’m really looking forward to being married again (and its not because my life and my family can now be complete; it’s because I love the man! – I’ll have to post my thoughts on that another time). But it will be different. It’s very hard for me to picture what life will be like, but I know it will be good.
I’m feeling thankful right now. Thankful for the fact that I’ve experienced single parenthood. I can relate to single parents because I live in their shoes. But I’m also thankful because it has taught me to cherish a lot of the simple things in life people take for granted. When I’m given an afternoon to have a nap (while my boys clean up the backyard) or time to go to a training course and not have to worry about my kids, it means a whole lot to me. It’s priceless.